my Möbius Strip

“If you take your index finger and trace what seems to be the outside surface, you suddenly find yourself on what seems to be the inside surface. Continue along what seems to be the inside surface, and you suddenly find yourself on what seems to be the outside surface. ” Parker Palmer

 

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I’ve spent 30 days nurturing the inside,  gently saying no to most things on the outside and intern saying yes to myself. It’s necessary every now and again to reassess all that is going on in life and sort through all that’s not flowing in the same direction, if we are to keep ourselves wide open and remain steady on the path of our truth.   It is finding ways of bringing the outside world into aliment with what we are seeking for ourselves on the inside.  The space was easy to be in and flowed more naturally than i expected it would. It was easier to say no from this space. A space where i compassionately gave myself permission to matter more than any other for this moment.  And before giving anyone my yes, i foremost required a yes from my inner world first. More often, it was a no, which helped me to realise just how much of my inner world i have been compromising for the outer worlds wanting. Finding the balance is essential in keeping the two worlds flowing harmoniously. For now, I have become my highest priority in my story. My well-being is the one that’s vitality matters most if i am to continue to carry the weight of my tribe and also stay on the path of living faithfully within my truth.  And i am understanding ever so clearly now, that it must be for the sake of my children that i remain it to stay this way. For me to be my highest idea of myself as a mother, daughter, friend or anything on the outside world,  i must foremost be the highest idea of myself in my inner world first. It’s the only way to keep moving forward. I’m not interested in standing still or bending myself in ways that i know are going against the inner flow.   I’m only interested in keeping myself wide open and in the certainty that what ever path I am to embark on from here on in,  will be one closer to a truth of who i am now, and will perhaps have little resemblance to any i have travelled before.  I am reawakening the dreams that have been with me forever that i had some time ago decided could never be, and I have decided that they could be once again,  for this Is my life.  I’m focusing less on the intricate details of how and when things will come about and spending more time in the knowing of they just will.  My children are on this journey with me, and they flow closer to their own rhythms of truth the closer i flow to mine. So it is as much for them as it is for me that i endeavour to stay on this journey of compassionately tending to myself, endeavouring to close the gap between my outside and inside worlds.

bonne année

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In life we create these moments that we believe matter, marking the date, we celebrate, thinking that it will always be of some importance to us. We don’t think of what lies ahead, how life’s assurance to us is always going to be to change our course, and all of a sudden that moment, now holds far less value. All the sentiments surrounding the moment no longer exist.  The value of the date, the celebration, has no role anymore, and a vacant space is created, for a new story perhaps, or perhaps for no story at all. The date, becomes as it was before, and quietly you wonder to yourself why in a world where nothing is permanent or absolute, do we still insist on signifying such moments in the first place. In hindsight, it would seem for this particular moment a certain naivety had taken precedence over, her much higher wisdom.

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We are in a moment of transition. She, moving from the securities of school and routine into a world of unfamiliar patterns with no real defined path to take and i,  into that of being a parent of a young adult who i adore and are sincerely troubled by. My troubles come not with so much her misunderstandings of me, my ways, my thinking, but more so of my own lack of understanding in the ways a mother should know her daughter and the way she moves. It has been a tireless rollercoaster of emotions, I am missing the mark more times than not, lately. Too many tears are being shed, too many battles are playing out. There are too many times when i am forgetting that our minds work differently, that she sees and defines her world in her own way, in her own time, my impatience is relentless. Why am i failing to remember  her truth when in the midst of the drama and chaos of the moment? And it is only in the quiet moments after all has been said and done, when the fire has reluctantly settled and we are exhausted from trying so hard, to understand each other, to go away not really understanding anything at all; that i find myself asking how much of this really matters anyway? does she really need to know that the world can be cruel and unforgiving and intolerant to differences?  I am overwhelmed by how much learning i still have to do and fearful that the only way we are learning our way forward right now is though these unforgiving moments.

I know ill do better, as i know better. I will compassionately forgive myself of my misgivings of her.  We will always start again tomorrow, neither of us holding our defeats against the other at the end of the day and life will go on.

Miller Williams, compassion

Have compassion for everyone you meet, even if they don’t want it. What seems conceit, bad manners, or cynicism is always a sign of things no ears have heard, no eyes have seen.
You do not know what wars are going on down there where the spirit meets the bone.

-Miller Williams, Compassion

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simple cooking and words

“As to what good qualities there may be in our souls, or Who dwells within them, or how precious they are — those are things which we seldom consider and so we trouble little about carefully preserving the soul’s beauty. All our interest is centred in the rough setting of the diamond, and in the outer wall of the castle — that is to say, in these bodies of ours.”
― Teresa of Ávila, Interior Castle

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I’m moving to a slower rhythm, keeping things simple, deciding what can and can’t flow through my life right now. I’m sure, and unsure, being brave and honest with myself. I’m allowing, unresisting to any uncomfortable movements that are arising and just letting them be. I’m giving myself the grace to be with all it entails. This is the only way forward, this is the only way that the new story can be created from here. I must know all of my inner most ingredients, everything that makes me move the way i do. I’m spending much needed time, unraveling, dreaming, grieving, understanding and finding my way back, towards forgiveness and acceptance. I can see all  the answers, i can see how wonderfully great it is going to be, i can see the picture i’m creating and the way it will look, but i know i can’t just arrive there, to this wonderful new place. i know that there’s no skipping ahead, not on this journey im on, not this time. Everything that comes up, needs to be moved through, nothing can be rolled up, or put to the side or saved for later.. for some other time. i have arrived in a place that i wont allow myself to travel back from, i am willing to do or not do, what ever it takes to arrive completely at home with myself, again.IMG_3600 IMG_3602 IMG_3601 IMG_3606IMG_3603

lemon thyme tuna patties

ingredients: 4 potatoes, finely diced spanish onion, tuna, fresh sprigs of thyme, rind of 1 lemon, sea salt, cracked pepper, parsley, 5 slices stale bread, 1 free range egg, olive oil

method: in a food processor, combine bread, parsley pinch of salt and process into fine bread crumbs. Boil the potato’s whole with the skins on until cooked through and soft when pierced though the centre. Allow to cool slightly before peeling and disregarding the skins and mash with potato masher. Combine tuna with a little of the olive oil, onion, lemon rind, thyme, egg, with the potatoes. Stir mix through and season generously. Roll table spoonfuls into patties and coat in the bread crumbs ,  laying in a single layer on a tray and refrigerate for 1/2 an hour. Heat a non stick fry pan with olive oil and cook patties until a golden brown before gently turning to cook the other side. Serve with a  light citrus salad, hot or cold.

a prayer -RUMI

I have come to drag you out of yourself  and take you into my heart.

 

I have come to bring out the beauty you never knew you had and lift you like a prayer to the sky.

If no one recognises you, i do because you are my life and soul.

Don’t run away, accept your wounds and let bravery be your shield.

It takes a thousand stages for the perfect being to evolve.

Every step of the way i will walk with you and never leave you stranded.

-RUMI

circling up

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it circles around again for her now, this time with a simple intention. She has decided with extraordinary conviction she is worth fighting for, and she will fight hard. She knows from where she is standing that this story is complete now. She understands deeply that she has been the creator of her world all along, that the only one who has ever really let her down here, is herself. She knows with great certainty that from where she stands now, that she has been through enough of the not wanting that she is clearly ready now to decide how things will look for her from here. She understands that the beginning of this new story is hers to create, and hers alone. The difference is,  she is unconcerned with the details, or how the things she is wanting now, will come about. She knows that all she need do is decide, and keep herself open to the faithful truth of her instinctual knowing that it will happen. Most importantly she knows now to nurture her own worth, and she won’t ever again need to settle, for anything less than. She has spent enough time there now, from here, she walks only towards her wanting. Now, when she looks, she looks not at how the world around her can bestow upon her, the dreams she envisions, instead  she understands that the real magic  can only ever really begin and come from within. It is here in the stillness, when she quietens herself down long enough to hear her own voice and feel her way towards what she is asking for now, that the magic happens. The rest is only details.