untainted paths

If there’s a book that you want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it.”

-Toni Morrison

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More and more I’m leaning towards leaving my children alone. I am no longer standing in the way of their freedom. They are free to develop, discover, learn and interact at their own will. I’m  trusting my children in their natural instincts and better judgements in knowing what it is they are wanting. My parenting is radically different now compared to what it may have looked like fifteen years or so ago. I too, are radically different now. The more I allow myself to flow into the ease of life, the easier life is becoming. There is no longer any one story i am endeavouring to fit into or trying to make my children fit into whether they are wanting or not. There is no direction that has been set before us that we are wanting to follow, that feels right anymore. This story we are creating is new. The way we are moving is new. We are walking a path that few are walking, and we are alright with that. We are unafraid, and faithful to ourselves and to our journey. Maybe there in lies the answer to contented happiness. More of trusting life to happen and allowing it to flow, welcoming whatever arises rather than pushing against and struggling in what comes about. Even the seemingly negative experiences can be blessings if we open to their messages.  My children were not born to conform in this world as it is before us now,  that i am certain of. I too have resisted  for most of my life to agree and go along quietly with ideas and ways that innately have not felt like the right way. Maybe that is why they chose me to be their mother. But ultimately, it has been the determination of my children’s Will to not bend themselves towards people or experiences that they innately know will not serve them well, that has bought us to where we are standing now.  I find myself questioning everything, especially things that rise resistance in us or simply just don’t feel right. I am listening to them in their no’s as it holds as much power as what they are saying yes to. And i want them to know from the beginning of their lives what they say yes and no to in life, matters. They are not here to simple follow those who went before them around in their ways. They have their own way, most of the time they are leading it and most of the time its going against everything that has gone before us. Still, we go forth fearlessly trusting ourselves and unafraid of laying new paths that have yet to be walked by the many.

trusting our own outrage

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The freedom to be angry on purpose holds as much importance as does the freedom to be happy. One cannot exist without the other. There cannot be one feeling that circles around again and again, never realising anything other than itself. How would we ever possibly know what does not serve us well, if we were to only ever experience one single feeling without the contrast?  Why are we taught to be so afraid of what this emotion entails? Our outrages can signify what doesn’t sit well with us, what truths maybe stirring beneath the surface of what we are yet to see.  It could be  what guides us in the process of recognising what is not in our best interest or what we should not be willing to settle for.  Why have we been raised to be afraid of the contrast? To avoid the conflict at all costs, as if no positive outcomes or realisations could come from such experiences? We have been raised to not fight for ourselves.  For some, the confrontation is so uncomfortable, that they are willing to hold themselves in untruths for the sake of peace, usually a peace that cannot and will not last or serve them well.  I have had the freedom in my life to experience the contrast in such ways that i am now unafraid when it presents itself.  I have learnt to pay careful attention when it rises, especially in the moments it catches me off guard.  I am in a place now where i have learnt to deeply trust my own outrages.   I have experienced the battle enough in life now to know that sometimes it’s necessary and required for things to move forward in the desirable direction. I have experienced it enough to no longer be afraid of what it entails. I am comfortable in the knowing that what drives my battle is a passionate truth. My own.  I realise what serves as my truth can only ever be that.  Not everyone is going to have the desire to live the same, they can only ever have their own truths to follow. I’m thankful for their contrast as it keeps me clear and heading in the direction to which I am wanting to go.  And as hard as it maybe to fathom, it really is insignificant where others are standing in their lives.  It only ever really matters and can become hazardous  when you find yourself too focused on trying to change their truths rather than staying clear about where you are standing in your own. The story always only ever belongs to you. As soon as you can bring yourself into the realisation that you are  always only ever creating the story, the sooner you can get on with paying attention to what it is you are wanting to look like. And becoming comfortable in all the shades we carry that take us along that journey.

 

some more truth, for you dear friend

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I have a person, and there was for a short time when i lost hold of her. This time is one of the hardest moments for me to think about now, now that i’m back standing in my truth. Theres a noticeable gap now.  A gap in the memories we were creating together. One that, was probably necessary for things to play out the way they did, however now brings me a deep sense of loss. I regret that we missed time. I regret that i gave her up so easily, that i was willing to walk away from her, and the most devoted friendship I’d ever known and in turn my truth. Because to have her beside me would have meant not embarking on the path i was about to take, and for what ever reason, life was going to take me on that course. I know that i was deeply denying myself in this moment in my life, falling into the depths of a story that is still hard for me to make real sense of even now. I understand that she couldn’t have been here for me during this moment, she represented too much for me, she was the all and everything that was real and absolute about who i was and i was playing somebody else, in this moment. So Life in all its graciousness pressed pause on us for a while, until one day when she knew, it was time to once again press play. And in what can only be described as divine timing she returned and she brought with her my truth. She is the one i know i have travelled life times with and will continue travelling with for life times to come. Theres a knowing between us that runs far deeper than anything that could ever be explained here.  We love profoundly each other and each others children, we forgive and embrace the highest parts of ourselves always acknowledging that rarely do we have all the answers, knowing how unnecessary it would be anyway.  How comforting it is to know that when all else falls away, we are unafraid to let ourselves be seen by each other in all the shades and stories we carry, condemning neither against the other. Our children carry on the bond, walking their paths closely, more like siblings than friends, holding the memories we’ve created close to their hearts, knowing that the foundation has been laid for them to return to whenever the need calls. They know we have them, and they us and thats all that matters. This is the part of my life complete in its everything, nothing more could ever be asked, nothing about it requires change, it is the absolute already, and i am eternally grateful for her and the story.

space for contemplation

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We bake on most days, today it was scones. It’s hands on, messy and always unpredictable. Much like life. I’m thankful to finally be in place within where I am truly unconcerned with the unfolding of things, at peace with the predictable and unpredictable, similarly. I’m more contented in the not doing than the doing right now,  its making way for space and thought and much needed reflection before embarking on this next chapter. Life is insisting that i move slowly and cautiously especially in what I’m deciphering to be serving for us right now. And I’m paying close attention this time, to the unspoken wisdom of this voice. I’m unafraid to press pause, to make room for the greater understanding that is surfacing.  I’m not interested in repeating patterns. If i am willing life to move differently, i understand i must move differently also. Permission is unnecessary and not required at this stage in my life, saying no is inevitable.  Retreating rarely suits everyone involved, It’s always going to be a personal journey, a reflection of the solitude kind.  Retreating into quietness of thought, leaning into the places for deeper reflection is where life is beckoning me to be right now.  I’ve decided to go. Not necessarily anywhere but I’m taking the journey within. I’m deciding to push pause. It won’t require me to run away from my life, because there’s no longer anything to run away from. But it does require that i pay close attention to all that has unfolded and in many ways is still unfolding. I’ll be keeping it simple. Staying close to the moment. No plans, no obligations or commitments, not for now anyway.

here and now

IMG_5822 IMG_5833 IMG_5832 IMG_5834 IMG_5829 IMG_5830 IMG_5835I have come to a point where stopping or turning back is no longer an option anymore. I realise too much now. Have seen, felt, and intimately know a truth that flows way beyond the  depths of any of the stories we are telling ourselves in the here, and now. This understanding comes with a responsibility to myself, to my children and to you, as a part of our world. I can no longer walk this life asleep. The way i move must be in alignment with the what i believe, even if the path is the ‘one less travelled’. I know i will come up against some resistance, i know that interrogation is apparent, i know that not everyone is willing to go against the greater story that has been created, i know not everyone is willing to wake up. It’s a difficult path, it’s a path that won’t follow a dictation that doesn’t serve the highest self, it’s a path that won’t buy into being told what to do and how it must be done for acceptance from a social system that is clearly no longer working. A system that keeps us motionless in the evolution of our true selves.  It’s a path that flows from love not fear, it’s a path of doing whats right, moving in a way that serves each other free from hinderance, because once you know better you have a responsibility to do better.  I can no longer make my choices based on theories that don’t resonate truth for me, theories that have been determining the outcomes for the people of this world for,  forever now. I am not willing to fall back into beliefs and ways that cause devastation and effect everything, when i know  how deeply and with great certainty that the way i move, matters.   We share the air we breathe, the sky and stars i see, you see. We are all intrinsically connected to each other, there is no you there and me here.  Our children are going to walk this earth long after we have moved on, and that matters. Our children must be given the grace to walk in a new direction. They already have the awareness, they already know how it should be, they are born knowing. We change their story so very young, we dictate their lives, put them into systems that don’t work and demand they comply.  We do this so they will grow to become good, complying, sociably acceptable adults that will refrain from questioning anything greater or different. We do this so that they will continue to abide in this world that is driven by fear, power and money, rather than love and faith. We do this so that they will fall into the deep sleep, and forget all they know to be true for themselves and each other and hope that they’ll take on enough of the illusion to get them through their lives in what we perceive to be some ideal happiness.  It really begins and ends here, eventually they grow and realise  that life rarely works that out that way, and it is then that they too will begin the journey of unlearning all they were told to be true for themselves. Change is emanate. Our children must be allowed to lead the way, to flow to new rhythms, to advance and surpass the outmoded ways of thinking without being sanctioned. We must give up the idea that we know better, and stop telling them what we believe that they need to know. They already have the wisdom, all we need do is refrain from pulling them so far away from themselves that they inevitably forget.

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The children rise slowly now, and only begin when they are ready here. There is no where we need to be anymore, most of the time preferring to not venture out at all. Days fill quickly with imaginary play, day dreaming and exploring our new sanctum. The peace is animate. We are all breathing freely now, not answerable to anything or anyone, except ourselves. I imagine in a perfect world its the way it should always be, and we are all the more the happier for it. I am watching the children unfold in their own uniqueness, in a space without life’s constrictions, its allowing them to be all of who they perfectly are. As i move closer towards what is true for myself, the more settled they are becoming within the truth of themselves.   I have withdrawn on purpose, with purpose. Choosing to let go rather than fill unnecessarily our lives and time with things that don’t matter. I am growing stronger, quieter, surer and feeling my way through what i am wanting to remain, quickly giving myself permission to let go of what no longer needs to, without   apologising.  I’m seeking within, moving in the direction of having, doing and needing less and the more i enter this space,  the clearer things are becoming, with a sense absolute. This is my life, the story i am creating on the pages are mine to own and live by, and all that’s really seeming to matter now is that i stay faithful to myself.  I understand that my truth will not always be what serves the truth of others and only with love, can i say, that  I am alright with things being that way.  It is within the certainty of this space, I have let go of any need to please or pretend or play any roles anymore. I am moving from a different place now, and everything in life seems to be aligning itself along side it, including the children. So much of life seems to be directed for us, set on a path whether we are willing to follow it or not.  I realise it is  a courageous path to take choosing to follow your own wild heart, and in doing so be fearless with your choices, and i know it’s not for everyone, but it is where i want to be, that is something i know for sure.

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It was 10 years ago that i was here, ironically a marriage ending, life was testing with three little ones to care for,  much was uncertain in my life at this time. I spent some time alone here, in a borrowed house, in a borrowed space, gathering myself in the silence, away from the needs of children, away from life’s chaos. It was what was required to find myself again, and i did, i gathered, picked myself up, gave myself permission to grieve what ever mistakes i thought i may have made, and found my way back with enough strength and truth to carry on forward. That was ten years ago. It has been ten days since coming back now, ten days in the space, and i already know it has begun. The part where we shed old wounds and little ones shed their clothes.  This is the place where we will fiercely  become ourselves, allowing only the truth of who we are to stay. Where we will no longer allow others or time to dictate how we move.  This is the place we will grow ourselves and each other back, for no other reason but for the sake of ourselves.   This space is sacred. A place to be protected. And i am coming to realise, it is so much more than just a blue house on a breathtaking piece of land, our energy, our truth is here, it has always has been, just waiting patiently for us to arrive.  And so we begin..