siblings – St GEORGIA & Boo

gone, for now

spending time with my boy has become a rare occasion now. I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but somewhere in amongst the chaos i lost hold of him. it might have always been going to head down this path no matter what the circumstances were but i can’t help but think that the more recent moments of uncertainty in our lives played an important part in his decision to no longer live with us. Life for our family has been wonderfully hard over the years with so many dynamics to contend with, toddlers and teenagers, autism and more autism. I can imagine for a thirteen year old boy finding your place in amongst all that is almost impossible. He was lost, i could tell that much, surrounded by too many females, who all had something to say about his well-being and the directions he was taking. He didn’t have anyone to follow lead from, to really understand the depths of his own wanting and confusion in all of this. Everyone who he was supposed to matter to, was too caught up in being held captive to their own devastation and we failed him terribly. I failed him terribly. He was suffering and i was spread far too thin to keep grip of him. He wanted out, he needed out, so I surrendered and let him go. He is settled now, living with his father and for now it seems it’s what he wants and needs. For the first time in his life, he’s getting to know his dad, really know him, right down to the finer details of how he fits into life with him now. I understand that this is important for him to do, that to understand and know his father better will in time give him greater understanding for why things played out the way they did. It has been really hard stepping back, to not be the one who is guiding the way and gently maneuvering him back on track when he gets himself a little lost. I am having to detach, not from loving him, but from the responsibly of being the one who is going to show him the way. He, has chosen another for that role, now. As hard as this particular change has been to our tribe, it has unexpectedly brought with it a space for breathing. A space for me to completely let go of one of the heavy challenges i was carrying. It has allowed for things to slow down, for the constant rhapsody that was flowing between my two sons, to settle. It has allowed me the room to be more gentle on myself and more importantly more gentle on him. We are moving to a new dance now and it seems to be working better. Spending time together when it happens, is more earnest now. It takes on a level of importance that it always should have had. It’s possible that this time was always going to present itself at some stage in his life, where he would feel that he needed to go, but it came so much sooner than i was expecting. I am alright with it now, and even at times i am quietly thankful for his decision.

discovering words

Its taken a while, to get to this place. Where our boo is happy to play along side baby Georgie. We have been eagerly waiting and hoping that he would one day embrace and accept her existence. I’m happy to report we are there. It seems to be that all we needed was time, time for her to grow and develop into a little person that he could understand. From a very young baby Georgie has taken special interest in her littlest brother, intrigued with his every move. Even now I catch her watching him, taking him in, her love for him radiates, it is like nothing I have ever seen between siblings. She began talking very early, imitating our words, repeating everything eager to learn this skill. Quite recently Boo too has caught on to this fine art of learning language. They are at a very similar level of communication and words that he says, she says, what i say, they both say there is a constant echo of words happening all of the time. It requires you to pay particular attention to everything that is said Im calling it mindful speech. My teenagers are yet to have the patience or tolerance for such notions, they have unfortunately but successfully planted ‘shut up’ as the common phrase used for asking everyone to be quiet please, in a house hold of 7 it is now used quite frequently by our boo. They are embarrassed to say the least. When we all go for walks with the babies and we happen to pass people who are leisurely in deep conversation and our babies repeat one after the other, ‘shut up’ at the innocent by passers, they clearly see the unfortunate dilemma we are now in. Unteaching this to a child with autism and his confident 15 month old accomplice,is going to take some time and lots of patients. A positive perspective on this scenario is, at least they arn’t practicing the fine art of profanity.. just yet.

There may be more to it.

Most of the time to look at him you would never know. His quirky traits are playful parts of his personality. He is only three. He is boisterous, fast and loud, and can woo you with his infectious smile. When he smiles, when he sees you, you immediately feel better about everything. This same three year old can in an instant bring you to an immense feeling of hopelessness. Meltdowns would seem to the untrained eye, a temper tantrum, a child clearly out of control, manipulating parents with learnt loud, aggressive and unacceptable behaviour; clearly a spoilt child in need of some serious parental discipline. It would appear to the observer that the parent is too complacent, too submissive in their response to this confronting public display. It doesn’t seem to matter if on looker’s refrain from voicing their discontent, standing by with their well behaved children. In that moment they are the better parent. The judgment is always felt. Rarely are sympathetic, compassionate smiles of kinship offered. Even without the underpinning of autism, as parents we have all been there. When was it that we began to judge each other so harshly? When did we become unsympathetic towards each other in these moments? Where is the heartfelt understanding amongst mothers that says ‘it’s alright, I’ve been there too, actually it was only just this morning.’ I have found these moments to be the hardest on older siblings. They are all too aware of judging on lookers. They have mixed emotions, they know what is needed in this moment for their loved one. They have seen it many times, they are familiar and unconcerned when it is in the comfort of their home. Five minutes may as well be five hours. They feel his torment and carry the guilt of their own torment of silently wanting to step away; I understand. Explanation of peoples reactions is always necessary after any public outburst. I remind them every time that it doesn’t matter what people are thinking about us, or about our actions or lack thereof. All that ever matters is how we respond towards our Boo. For we understand and know him better than anyone else. I can only hope that the lesson my children are learning here might be that when they go about their lives and find themselves witnesses to yet another story, that judgment won’t be their first impression and that they will remember to feel compassion. Maybe even offer a reassuring smile to show that they too know this story only too well and understand.