First Truth

First Truth. I have five children. I’ve had two husbands. My marriages have served me well, not so much in the ways i thought they would but more so in the ways in which life was willing me show me what i needed to see at this time. I’ve made mountains of mistakes, that are mine to own and that I’m eternally grateful for. They are what has brought me closer to the truth of myself. I have held myself back from what i truly deserved more times than I’ve deserved which i am still learning as to why?  I’ve found myself allowing things that i wouldn’t wish for my own daughters, i say daughters because its more often than not that they are they ones most likely to find their way into these places with another. I’m tired of pretending that what has played out doesn’t matter, or worse didn’t occur to keep peace, in the story that is playing out now. None of which serves me well. It’s not in my best interests to know secrets that are not mine to own, yet unspokenly held to keep them, so that they can stew around in the darkness causing unconscious turmoil to whomever they are connected to, even in the smallest of ways. Thats not my truth. I have nothing to hide. No errors that I’m ashamed of that cannot be spoken out loud. My mistakes have always been in trusting. Trusting others over the trust of myself. That hasn’t served me well. I’m trusting myself now. I’m trusting the instinctual judgment that comes from within, that wakes me up, says this is how it is even when a story is still playing out that i no longer wish to pretend to be apart of anymore, yet are continuing to do so for the sake of others. This doesn’t serve me. This is no longer the truth of me. Life at some stage needs to get real, I’m not afraid of shattering the illusion. I didn’t come here to sit quietly on the side lines and behave politely. I can no longer play roles and parts that don’t serve me and i won’t apologise for it.  Peeling back the layers, requires being real in everything, with everyone. For some, this will be asking too much i understand this, the gap will be too great and ill let them go. And the ones that are meant to stay, of course will stay.  It asks for us to unravel and be seen in all the shades even the ones we are most afraid of bringing to the light. But this is where i am. I have spent enough time playing in life, creating pictures to fill gaps and please all but myself. Its time for me to step into a deeper idea of who i am in this life.  I’m awake now and it’s already begun.


permaculture adventures

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We have embarked on a wonderful permaculture adventure, with the notion that we will be able to sustain ourselves with organically grown fruit and vegetables. This exciting process, has the whole family involved. The food forest is well on the way, temporarily looking much the same as large vegetable patches at the moment, but will eventually grow out and beyond the boxes that contain them, into an expansive incredible food forest to rummage ourselves through. We have planted out an orchard, with apple varieties, pears, nectarines, oranges, lemons, olives, cherries and plums and will grow a field of white clover, radish, and Lucerne to support and nurture our young fruit trees. The children are taking it all very seriously, eagerly watching for growth and new life as it appears, and learning the names of fruit that we have never seen before like pepino melon, which is apparently wonderful to eat with ice cream. Apart from the obvious advantages of home-grown food and knowing exactly where and how what we are eating consists of exactly, its providing us with this wonderful learning platform of engagement. We discuss processes and seed selections, paying attention to the added benefits of the foods themselves supporting the growth of each other, much like a family. William asks what each plant does, he wants to know, who it is protecting and what from, and most of all what food it will produce for us. The discussion is always so much more important than just the planting of a seed. There is an excited eagerness, to watching things transform. The children can’t possibly wait until spring for their sunflowers to begin, so they have improvised and have begun growing them indoors, by the window in the small amounts of sun that we are still being graced with. Children are drawn to life, in all forms, they are naturally intrigued. It’s really humbling to find a platform that can naturally nurture this innate curiosity in them.  We are all are learning so much,  the fine art of patience, the importance of nurturing, and how to make wonderful worm juice concoctions. We are problem solving how to combat the white cabbage moth empathetically, and the life cycle of the hungry caterpillar. There is a world of science at our fingertips. We are spending endless amounts of hours pondering here, imagining how our food forest will be flourishing in a few years, how wonderful it will be if we could provide food for the ‘food is free project’, envisioning the possibility that everyone should have food available to them this way.