First Truth

First Truth. I have five children. I’ve had two husbands. My marriages have served me well, not so much in the ways i thought they would but more so in the ways in which life was willing me show me what i needed to see at this time. I’ve made mountains of mistakes, that are mine to own and that I’m eternally grateful for. They are what has brought me closer to the truth of myself. I have held myself back from what i truly deserved more times than I’ve deserved which i am still learning as to why?  I’ve found myself allowing things that i wouldn’t wish for my own daughters, i say daughters because its more often than not that they are they ones most likely to find their way into these places with another. I’m tired of pretending that what has played out doesn’t matter, or worse didn’t occur to keep peace, in the story that is playing out now. None of which serves me well. It’s not in my best interests to know secrets that are not mine to own, yet unspokenly held to keep them, so that they can stew around in the darkness causing unconscious turmoil to whomever they are connected to, even in the smallest of ways. Thats not my truth. I have nothing to hide. No errors that I’m ashamed of that cannot be spoken out loud. My mistakes have always been in trusting. Trusting others over the trust of myself. That hasn’t served me well. I’m trusting myself now. I’m trusting the instinctual judgment that comes from within, that wakes me up, says this is how it is even when a story is still playing out that i no longer wish to pretend to be apart of anymore, yet are continuing to do so for the sake of others. This doesn’t serve me. This is no longer the truth of me. Life at some stage needs to get real, I’m not afraid of shattering the illusion. I didn’t come here to sit quietly on the side lines and behave politely. I can no longer play roles and parts that don’t serve me and i won’t apologise for it.  Peeling back the layers, requires being real in everything, with everyone. For some, this will be asking too much i understand this, the gap will be too great and ill let them go. And the ones that are meant to stay, of course will stay.  It asks for us to unravel and be seen in all the shades even the ones we are most afraid of bringing to the light. But this is where i am. I have spent enough time playing in life, creating pictures to fill gaps and please all but myself. Its time for me to step into a deeper idea of who i am in this life.  I’m awake now and it’s already begun.

 

letting go

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i have been living in the same place,  the same house for almost twenty years now. I have been living here all the while dreaming of there. Never moving or changing the scene for fear of it being too hard,  of not wanting to upset delicate routines of children and thinking that staying grounded in the one place is what is best for everyone; even though i have longed for as long as i can remember for different, for new, for something other than here. I envied people who took chances, who moved around, who were always heading somewhere new , some place fresh. Over the years i have been seeking out possibilities of where we may see ourselves, but really nothing ever felt right, not right enough to uplift an entire tribe.  I have found it hard to be inspired having to stay in the one place, my creative flow always searching for something new to draw from, searching out scenes that have become all too familiar now. Yet  this house of ours has served us well. It has housed and nourished five children from babies and provided a safe place for life to unfold. It has been the solid foundation when much in our lives has been volatile over the years. It has sheltered us from many wounds and ever so gently nurtured us back towards ourselves. It has been as much as i dreamt of different, in the end,  our saviour. Something deep within says it’s time now.  Time for letting go of this place we have only ever known as home.  It’s time now for a new beginning in a new house.   Our story within these four walls is inching towards the end, and I am unafraid, and unresisting towards the process, as i know this is exactly the way it is meant to be.  Life is asking us to begin again the intricate journey of unfolding ourselves in some place new. And i am looking forward to the story it entails.