trusting our own outrage

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The freedom to be angry on purpose holds as much importance as does the freedom to be happy. One cannot exist without the other. There cannot be one feeling that circles around again and again, never realising anything other than itself. How would we ever possibly know what does not serve us well, if we were to only ever experience one single feeling without the contrast?  Why are we taught to be so afraid of what this emotion entails? Our outrages can signify what doesn’t sit well with us, what truths maybe stirring beneath the surface of what we are yet to see.  It could be  what guides us in the process of recognising what is not in our best interest or what we should not be willing to settle for.  Why have we been raised to be afraid of the contrast? To avoid the conflict at all costs, as if no positive outcomes or realisations could come from such experiences? We have been raised to not fight for ourselves.  For some, the confrontation is so uncomfortable, that they are willing to hold themselves in untruths for the sake of peace, usually a peace that cannot and will not last or serve them well.  I have had the freedom in my life to experience the contrast in such ways that i am now unafraid when it presents itself.  I have learnt to pay careful attention when it rises, especially in the moments it catches me off guard.  I am in a place now where i have learnt to deeply trust my own outrages.   I have experienced the battle enough in life now to know that sometimes it’s necessary and required for things to move forward in the desirable direction. I have experienced it enough to no longer be afraid of what it entails. I am comfortable in the knowing that what drives my battle is a passionate truth. My own.  I realise what serves as my truth can only ever be that.  Not everyone is going to have the desire to live the same, they can only ever have their own truths to follow. I’m thankful for their contrast as it keeps me clear and heading in the direction to which I am wanting to go.  And as hard as it maybe to fathom, it really is insignificant where others are standing in their lives.  It only ever really matters and can become hazardous  when you find yourself too focused on trying to change their truths rather than staying clear about where you are standing in your own. The story always only ever belongs to you. As soon as you can bring yourself into the realisation that you are  always only ever creating the story, the sooner you can get on with paying attention to what it is you are wanting to look like. And becoming comfortable in all the shades we carry that take us along that journey.

 

Next Truth

They did not feel they could choose what they wanted, independent of circumstances. … it always seems that circumstances are powerful- more powerful than you are. You feel that all you can do is react or respond to them. Even if you have developed great skill in outmaneuvering circumstances, like a lion tamer outmaneuvering the lions, it is still the circumstances- the lions- that hold the ultimate control in how you live you life. -Robert Fritz

 

This has been the way i have lived life, for most of my life.  My first considerable circumstance that defined how i would move was my first child.  In trying to choose the best life for her, I married her father and began creating the story. I wish i could say with Truth that it was out of a deep love, for him, but i can’t, it was out of a deep love for her. And i knew this at the time, even at twenty. I stayed quiet, silenced the voice within and did what needed to be done to ready myself for the making of a family. I pretended that it was all that mattered. Believing that there was enough love to make it look as though it was always going to be part of the plan. But it hadn’t been my plan, it caught me by surprise and i reacted. This story played out for seven years in all the usual ways, and for the most part i was content with all the distraction children brought. I was abundant in the circumstances surrounding the way i was moving through life and avoiding my truth. It simply was just too much to allow to rise to the surface in this story. We do that as mothers, leave ourselves behind or worse in the dark to keep the story going. And we usually think we do this well, but it’s never really far away, and life has this divine way of always bringing to you what truths you are needing to see at the time.  And when my husband decided to leave one day, i remember i felt terrified and relieved in the same breath. Terrified at the idea of caring for three young children on my own and relieved that he had found the courage to leave, something i would silently be eternally grateful to him for. I’m no longer living this way, allowing the circumstances of my life to define my life. I’m moving from a different part of myself now, the one where the answer isn’t always clear right away but you know it’s there and you know that it will be revealed as its meant to, so your content in the waiting. The strength i learned about myself during this time,  has carried me forward. It’s what brought me through the chapters that followed to where I’m standing now. It’s whats giving me the courage to stand strong in my truth, in the midst of this chapter. And with all resistance that comes up against it, I’m thankful to them for they are the continuum of reminders on how i need to be ever so mindful of my Truth.

words for daughters on their birthdays

 

Dear Daughters, I have offered you all that I know that is to be true.   You have, my insight, though i understand you will gather your own as you move yourselves out into the world.   You have my wisdom, yet i know you will inevitably draw on your own innate wisdom as you are called to do so. I have not sheltered you from life’s hurts and devastations as you too, will not be spared such conditions.   I will not clench onto you, or hold you back, or keep you from going forth towards life’s beckoning, where ever that may lead you to be.  You have my truth, of all i believe truly matters in this life and enough understanding to now to go forth and decide for yourselves. You have the depth of my understanding on deciphering what and what not to allow to come forth into your lives, and enough Bodhi to decide for yourselves, Now.  In your lives you have witnessed me fall, and find enough strength to regather and find my way back over and over. Now, when you fall you will instinctively know that you will rise again and again, with a strength that you can only ever come to realise this way. You have not been sheltered or spared from life’s chaos, understanding deeply now that everything is always as it is meant to be and everything always goes around in circles.  You are learning to draw to yourselves youR own ideas and gather the pictures for your lives now;  the stories you will tell with the understanding that everything is temporary and if you change your mind, you can always choose again.   I have endeavored to follow my own heart, without settling into anything that doesn’t serve the highest part of myself,  to not allow the conditions and ideas of the world to hinder my journey, i have done this with you dear daughters, securely tucked under my wing, so that may you always know that you are never limited to be someplace or someone who you truly are not. I know that there have been times when i have failed you, times when i have let you down or misjudged some fragment in your lives, as it is the human experience that mistakes will be made, but for this my heart is sorry. It is here we have learnt, what forgiveness really means. When you fly daughters, go where your heart calls, be unafraid to be all of who you truly are and never let anyone tell you different, use your voice as you have been blessed in this life to speak up, use it to really make a difference whether it is to one person or a country, and know that You are always divinely equipped to do this, And know that whenever life moves you in such a way that you need to fly home, just fly home.

Happy Birthday Girls.

 

rational, irrational?

“I hate to hear you talk about all women as if they were fine ladies instead of rational creatures. None of us want to be in calm waters all our lives.”
― Jane AustenPersuasion

 

When is it acceptable to raise a voice? Be assertive, aggressive in passion, view, thought, idea, belief? Perhaps behind closed doors? Perhaps in the safe confinements of a home? Is there a time and suitable place that such emotions would ever be deemed justifiable and acceptable?   Is everyone not made of the same stuff?  Is anger never to be expressed? Or is it that some fall into the  ambivalent class where expressions as such are permissible.   Must we shut down, be equable, behave only in ways others can suffice?   Is it appropriate to condemn and belittle when expressions are not kept in the rigidity of nice, or pleasant, or more importantly agreeable?   Why must one’s very persona come under attack simply for being angry?  Yes, I am not pretty all of the time.  I am not going to be pretty in the moment if the moment calls for something other. I will not be told to  settle down, or not to raise my voice, i will shout from rooftops without permission, now.  It will not serve well to belittle my integrity. I am a pillar of strength, and will not whimper to manoeuvring ways.

 

Miller Williams, compassion

Have compassion for everyone you meet, even if they don’t want it. What seems conceit, bad manners, or cynicism is always a sign of things no ears have heard, no eyes have seen.
You do not know what wars are going on down there where the spirit meets the bone.

-Miller Williams, Compassion

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