carly macaulay

There may be more to it.

Most of the time to look at him you would never know. His quirky traits are playful parts of his personality. He is only three. He is boisterous, fast and loud, and can woo you with his infectious smile. When he smiles, when he sees you, you immediately feel better about everything. This same three year old can in an instant bring you to an immense feeling of hopelessness. Meltdowns would seem to the untrained eye, a temper tantrum, a child clearly out of control, manipulating parents with learnt loud, aggressive and unacceptable behaviour; clearly a spoilt child in need of some serious parental discipline. It would appear to the observer that the parent is too complacent, too submissive in their response to this confronting public display. It doesn’t seem to matter if on looker’s refrain from voicing their discontent, standing by with their well behaved children. In that moment they are the better parent. The judgment is always felt. Rarely are sympathetic, compassionate smiles of kinship offered. Even without the underpinning of autism, as parents we have all been there. When was it that we began to judge each other so harshly? When did we become unsympathetic towards each other in these moments? Where is the heartfelt understanding amongst mothers that says ‘it’s alright, I’ve been there too, actually it was only just this morning.’ I have found these moments to be the hardest on older siblings. They are all too aware of judging on lookers. They have mixed emotions, they know what is needed in this moment for their loved one. They have seen it many times, they are familiar and unconcerned when it is in the comfort of their home. Five minutes may as well be five hours. They feel his torment and carry the guilt of their own torment of silently wanting to step away; I understand. Explanation of peoples reactions is always necessary after any public outburst. I remind them every time that it doesn’t matter what people are thinking about us, or about our actions or lack thereof. All that ever matters is how we respond towards our Boo. For we understand and know him better than anyone else. I can only hope that the lesson my children are learning here might be that when they go about their lives and find themselves witnesses to yet another story, that judgment won’t be their first impression and that they will remember to feel compassion. Maybe even offer a reassuring smile to show that they too know this story only too well and understand.

hazelnut meal and pear tart

Hazelnut Meal and Pear Tart

sweet short crust pastry ingredients;125g unsalted softened butter,1 egg,90g icing sugar,30g hazelnut meal,250g plain flour

method

Place butter,egg,sugar and hazelnut meal in an electric mixer, beat until smooth. Add the flour a little at a time, until all combined then stop mixing.turn onto floured surface and shape into a disk. Wrap in plastic film and refrigerate for 30 minutes.

Hazelnut Meal Tart Filling ingredients; 50g softened butter,100g caster sugar,100g hazelnut meal,2 eggs,1 tablespoon of brandy, 1 teaspoon vanilla extract,4 pears poached, halved and sliced

method

Roll out the pastry in between baking paper, this helps to keep the pastry from sticking to the rolling pin. Try to get the pastry to 4mm thickness and then use a 25cm tart tin with a removable base. Lift the pastry while on the baking paper and flip into the tin. Just press any breakages back together and smooth out. Trim the edges with a sharp knife and refrigerate for 30 minutes. Pre heat the oven to 160°C. Place butter and sugar in a kitchen mixer beat until light and fluffy, add the hazelnut meal,eggs, brandy and vanilla, beat until combined. Spoon mixture into tart shell and arrange sliced pears evenly around the tart. Bake for 35 to 40 minutes or until the pastry and filling are golden. Serve warm with cream.

some place, he goes

I often wonder where he goes. The moments when stillness overcomes his small body and a vacant look sets upon him deep within the souls of his eyes. He lays awake almost unmoving, yet in such a place you know in this moment, that you are not welcome to visit. You can’t go there with him, he can’t tell you where he’s been. I wonder what his thoughts are. What is this three-year old contemplating so deeply on. Or is he even contemplating at all. Maybe he is in that place, the place we have all at times in our lives so desperately wanted to escape to. The place of nothingness. Where needing and wanting simply don’t exist. There is no feeling, no emotion, no thought. Just being. Being still in a world that is full of ever moving motion. I wonder if i’ll ever know where he goes. I wonder if there will be a time when he will know, or if it will remain a mysterious part of his life, for his life. There is a part of me that hopes he’ll hold onto this special place, a hope that he won’t grow out of or forget how to get there. I’m not bothered by when or how often he disappears, I’m reassured that where ever he is going there is peace and it is offering him a calmness that can come from no other place than there. This place, is a sanctuary of rest that seems to belong to only him, it’s a blessing, a moment of clarity, it’s probably more real than anything else in this wonderful dream like state we are all living in.

moments

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

Khalil Gibran, The Prophet

this day in march…

We spent this welcomed Sunday simply hanging out at home reading, playing and reluctantly tending to the laundry, oh and eating an abundance of left over cake from a friday night birthday gathering for our two oldest girls. The whole family is enjoying our new pre loved couch that is so comfortable it’s almost impossible to get up off, which is not such a bad thing. We set up an outdoor room on our back decking that is providing a nice little hide away, one day we’ll transform it into another room and then we can all argue about who needs the space more. Nash, our 12 year old spent some much needed playing time with the babies which was really nice to see, this is a tough age to be, for us all.

white chocolate and mascarpone tart

ingredients: for the biscuit base, 200g granita biscuits, 100g melted butter or enough so it comes together

for the filling, 180g white cooking chocolate, 450g mascarpone cheese, 2/3 cup thickened cream

topping, berries or 100g crushed pistachio nuts and icing sugar

Method

in a food processor crush biscuits then add the melted butter enough that it comes together when pushed with fingers. in a tart pan evenly spread the biscuit mixture push down with palm of hand, refrigerate for 15 minutes. to make the filling combine the chopped white chocolate and the mascarpone in a heat proof bowl. Place over a saucepan of simmering water and stir until melted. Remove from the heat and whisk until smooth add cream. pour into the tart base and refrigerate for 3 hours. for the topping with top with fresh berries, dust with icing sugar or in a food processor add 100g of pistachio nuts and 3 tablespoons of icing sugar blend until fine, sprinkle over top of tart and dust with icing sugar. Serve with a dollop of cream.

so far…

As you may know we have been blessed with autism. It comes to us as a great gift encompassed in our Boo. this is a few of the things we have learnt so far on our journey,

you can never have too many trains

it’s alright to eat your breakfast cereal and milk separately

repetition can be like a meditation

it’s not always necessary to use words to talk all the time, communication takes on many forms

it’s always better to ask for a kiss or cuddle first

we don’t mind getting caught up at railway crossings anymore, it’s kind of exciting

people sometimes assume that certain behaviours are naughty… but the people who matter, know better

sometimes it’s better to take a nap instead of going shopping

don’t ever be too busy to pause for a cuddle if one is spontaneously offered

to love, love and love with patients

lemon slice

lemon Slice

ingredients: 220g butter softened,85g icing sugar,2 1/2 cups plain flour,4 lemons juiced or 90ml, rind of 2 lemons,4 eggs,350grams castor sugar,1 tsp baking powder,3/4 cup designated coconut

Method: grease and line 4cm deep slice pan, in a food processor combine butter and icing sugar then add 2 cups of the plain flour or enough so that the mixture comes together in a ball. Press into the pan and chill for 10 minutes. pre-heat oven to 175°C bake the base for 15 minutes then set aside to cool. Finely grate the rind of 2 lemons and juice all 4. Whisk the eggs and castor sugar then add the remaining flour and baking powder, rind and juice. Pour into the case and top with designated coconut. Bake for 30 minutes or until top is golden and filling is set. allow to cool in the pan before slicing. serve with cream or store in the refrigerator for school snacks.

pieces of you

may our feet be strong enough to carry the weight of life.. let our hands remain open like our hearts

summer holidays

we spent a week of the summer holidays in Phillip Island, four out of five children came with me, we left dadda home working hard over his lap top in the unusual serenity of our house. I’m not sure he quite new what to do with himself in the emptiness other than work work work. we happened to be here over a heat wave, spending days trying to stay cool, reading books, lazing around with naked toddlers and plenty of icy poles. In the afternoons we headed to the beach spending hours playing in the sand and water and eating pizza. My big girls traded internet and social networking for endless hours of wandering through vintage and second hand shops. The children had a really good time, our Boo discovered a few more words… pizza, moon, beach, georgie managed to empty every cupboard and draw in the home we were staying in and my girls, well, i really think they appreciated the isolation from the demands of their teenage lives.. it was nice just being away, not worrying about routines, home work and bed times, pausing long enough to see the sun setting, watching the lightning in the thunderstorm, getting our hands dirty in the sand, even washing the dishes in a new sink had a sense of grace about it. Life on the whole slowed right down for an entire week. there was a sadness in packing up and heading home. Not because home isn’t wonderful and daddy is there of course.. but home means getting ready again for another busy year, early mornings and school lunches, long days and tired grumpy children,loads of washing, washing and more washing. If only i could find a sense of grace in those chores. We have decided to come again for the easter holidays.

gifts that made us smile

we are trying to live more consciously and more ethically. i have a saying, when you know better, you do better. this is a year for knowing better. I have set my family a few challenges for the new year, my hope is these challenges become the normal for us, that by the end of 2014 we will have settled into a new way of living and my children will have learned a few new life skills that will not only benefit themselves but also our planet and all others that encompass it. my hope is that kindness reaps kindness. My husband and i are continuing on our GLOBAL PARENTS journey this year, by supporting the less fortunate children of the world, we will also only buy PRE LOVED CLOTHING for ourselves and our children in support of bringing a greater awareness to the sweatshop industry and child labour. my children are lucky, they will never have to sew clothing until their tiny fingers bleed, or sort through rubbish dumps for mere survival, they will never need to be sold or sell themselves, they will always have food to nourish their souls, suitable clothing and a roof over their heads, they will know how fortunate they are, how others like themselves do suffer for the sake of the rest of the world. my intentions are not to make them feel guilty for their fortunate lives, just greater awareness, and the knowledge of truth, so the they too may make more conscious choices in their life times.

SHOP ETHICAL http://www.ethical.org.au,THE ETHICS OF WHAT WE EAT readings book store,PRE LOVED PRAM for Georgia camberwell market melbourne,SUKIN shampoo http://www.sunkinorganics.com,MAPLE NUT CRUNCH GRANOLA http://www.plumorganics.com,SWEET ORANGE AND ALMOND HAND WASH http://www.thankyou.co

slow cooked lamb.. mustard pickle sandwich

we had an abundance of left over food after our christmas day celebration. i must admit I’m one who loves using left overs to recreate something new, the results are usually more flavoursome than the original dish. On Christmas day we served lamb that we had slow roasted in red wine on in weber for about 6 hours, the results were this tender, fall apart meat that was simply delicious. In true Jamie style we used the left overs to make these rustic flavoursome rolls for lunch the next day.

we used RUSTIC WHITE LOAF,Fabriqué å Theiers BREAD KNIFE made in FRANCE,HARMONE organic butter,ROLNIK POLISH sandwich cucumbers,THREE THREES sweet mustard pickles,AGED cheddar cheese,selection of fresh greens

method

slice the bread,spread the butter and a layer of sweet mustard pickles. Arrange layers of roast beef, cheese, pickled cucumbers,greens then serve.

christmas

Christmas day was celebrated at home this year, this being the first time we have been brave enough to play host to the whole family for a day. We set up a long table in the garden under the maple trees which turned out to be the perfect setting. Our big girls set the table with crisp white table cloths and hand made place cards, they picked herbs from the garden and put them into little green bottles, we used silver bone cutlery passed down to us from the nanas and drank Moet Chandon for the occasion, we served pork that we slow roasted overnight with a home made beetroot and apple chutney, lamb on the bone cooked for 6 hours in red wine, honey glazed roasted pumpkin and whole baby carrots. We ate way too much, laughed, shared stories, watched the children play, lazed about in the garden and in all had a really nice day

pecan pie

ingredients

sweet short crust pastry

125g unsalted butter softened,1 egg,90g icing sugar,30g ground almonds,250g plain flour

pecan filling

3 eggs lightly whisked, 180 ml golden syrup,100g brown sugar,50g butter,195g roughly chopped pecans

method

to make the pastry,place the butter,eggs,icing sugar and ground almonds in an electric mixer with the paddle attachment and beat until smooth. Add the flour a little at a time. stop mixing as soon as it has incorporated. transfer the mixture to a lightly floured surface and shape into a disc then wrap in plastic film and refrigerate for 1 hour or overnight. remove from the fridge 30 minutes before using if left over night.

roll out the pastry on a lightly floured work surface until 4mm thick, then gently fold over the rolling-pin and transfer over a 30 cm tart tin with a removable base. gently press into the tin and trim excess with a sharp knife. prick the pastry with a fork and place back into the refrigerator for 30 minutes.

pre heat the oven to 200°C, to make the filling, place butter,sugar and golden syrup in a small saucepan over a low heat cook stirring until butter has melted and mixture is smooth. set aside to cool slightly then add the eggs and vanilla, whisk to combine. stir in the pecans and pour into the pastry case. bake for 35-40 minutes or until pastry and filling are golden. Allow to cool to room temperature before serving with cream.

The pastry recipe is borrowed from Manu Feidel i find this is the nicest and easiest pastry recipe to use.

georgie girl turns one

Our georgie girl is one..Boo helps set up her garden party surprise sampling each and every plate of treats we place on the table, our big girls are just as excited, we ate, laughed, danced and celebrated this special day. Happy Birthday Georgie.