carly macaulay

It was 10 years ago that i was here, ironically a marriage ending, life was testing with three little ones to care for, much was uncertain in my life at this time. I spent some time alone here, in a borrowed house, in a borrowed space, gathering myself in the silence, away from the needs of children, away from life’s chaos. It was what was required to find myself again, and i did, i gathered, picked myself up, gave myself permission to grieve what ever mistakes i thought i may have made, and found my way back with enough strength and truth to carry on forward. That was ten years ago. It has been ten days since coming back now, ten days in the space, and i already know it has begun. The part where we shed old wounds and little ones shed their clothes. This is the place where we will fiercely become ourselves, allowing only the truth of who we are to stay. Where we will no longer allow others or time to dictate how we move. This is the place we will grow ourselves and each other back, for no other reason but for the sake of ourselves. This space is sacred. A place to be protected. And i am coming to realise, it is so much more than just a blue house on a breathtaking piece of land, our energy, our truth is here, it has always has been, just waiting patiently for us to arrive. And so we begin..

We will be arriving here soon. This will become our new playground, trading in metal swings and plastic slides for bare feet and sand castles. After dinner walks in sea breezes, and the welcoming of the much needed freedom to begin to flow through our lives rather than the stampede that has been governing us for some time now. Life in this place begs for an untethered way, where associations will become secondary to contentment. We will move with purpose and only purposely move now. We will decipher carefully how and who will move with us from here. We will be discerning in our choices, only allowing what serves us to continue. We will do this in the deep knowing, that this is our right, that saying no, is perfectly fine, and with the wisdom of understanding that by not allowing what no longer serves us to remain, gives way for what lies ahead to gracefully unfold.

rational, irrational?

“I hate to hear you talk about all women as if they were fine ladies instead of rational creatures. None of us want to be in calm waters all our lives.”
― Jane Austen, Persuasion

When is it acceptable to raise a voice? Be assertive, aggressive in passion, view, thought, idea, belief? Perhaps behind closed doors? Perhaps in the safe confinements of a home? Is there a time and suitable place that such emotions would ever be deemed justifiable and acceptable? Is everyone not made of the same stuff? Is anger never to be expressed? Or is it that some fall into the ambivalent class where expressions as such are permissible. Must we shut down, be equable, behave only in ways others can suffice? Is it appropriate to condemn and belittle when expressions are not kept in the rigidity of nice, or pleasant, or more importantly agreeable? Why must one’s very persona come under attack simply for being angry? Yes, I am not pretty all of the time. I am not going to be pretty in the moment if the moment calls for something other. I will not be told to settle down, or not to raise my voice, i will shout from rooftops without permission, now. It will not serve well to belittle my integrity. I am a pillar of strength, and will not whimper to manoeuvring ways.

takings from T.S. Eliot’s, Little Gidding

chère douce Paris, je reviendrai un jour

We shall not cease from exploration

And the end of all our exploring

Will be to arrive where we started

And know the place for the first time.

What we call the beginning is often the end

And to make and end is to make a beginning.

The end is where we start from.

For last words belong to last years language

And next years words await another voice.

But the passage now presents no hindrance

To the spirit unappeased and peregrine.

Between two worlds become much like each other.

So i find words i never thought to speak.

bonne année

In life we create these moments that we believe matter, marking the date, we celebrate, thinking that it will always be of some importance to us. We don’t think of what lies ahead, how life’s assurance to us is always going to be to change our course, and all of a sudden that moment, now holds far less value. All the sentiments surrounding the moment no longer exist. The value of the date, the celebration, has no role anymore, and a vacant space is created, for a new story perhaps, or perhaps for no story at all. The date, becomes as it was before, and quietly you wonder to yourself why in a world where nothing is permanent or absolute, do we still insist on signifying such moments in the first place. In hindsight, it would seem for this particular moment a certain naivety had taken precedence over, her much higher wisdom.

my superman

life on the autism journey is always a bitter-sweet battle for me. The battle rather has more to do with the outside world than the sanctuary of our own spaces. My predicament comes from trying to figure out how much do I insist he learn to change and conform himself to fit into what has been deemed to be acceptable social norms, and how much is simply left to remain exactly as it perfectly is.

Autism has this beautiful quality where it demands that you be impeccable with your word. you must say only what is true. Your must keep to your word, always and precisely in what you are offering, anything less always results in deep confusion and distress. It is a mindful practice, one that challenges me always and where emotional attachments play a very minute role. Its takes great discipline to become aware of everything you speak and to remember that everything to the Autism mind is literal. It is one of my most favourite qualities, amongst the many. I am learning, that not everything said has to be taken so personally, i have learnt to become unattached to the words, love has many guises. I am not hurt if my superman voices that he doesn’t miss me when we are apart or when he periodically moves out of home and into his nanas house and says he’s staying forever at age four. I’m not needing him to fill any illusionary gaps of insecurity within myself. I’m not needing him to kiss and cuddle on my terms when intimacy for him feels like an intrusion into his space. More often that not, his affection is shared through rough and tumble games on the couch, and for me that will always be enough.

How much do I train his indifference? Endeavour to adapt his behaviours so that they are more suitable, more pleasant to the outside world? He will most likely always say inappropriate things at inappropriate times yet they will always be truthful. Do I try to filter the truth for the benefit of others, to spare unanticipated feelings being hurt through their misunderstanding? Do I even have the right? This is after all who he is, in all his shades, the difference is, he really is no different to any of us at all. We are all of this, accept most of us just don’t say out loud what we are thinking, and more often that not filter our truths in fear of being judged, not liked, or to keep up with what ever disguise we have going on in that moment anyway. The Autism mind will always struggle to understand the false fabrications we invent to cover up true emotions being expressed, they will always state the obvious in any given moment no matter how socially awkward or offensive it may be, and i am drawn to this outwardly candid approach, there is greater depth for learning here.

We have in the safe sanctuary of our space, learnt not to take offence to the words. We have learnt to laugh more easily, even at the inappropriate, especially at the inappropriate. We are beginning to understand that the words and actions on their own, carry no feeling they are just words, just actions. They hold no power until we decide that they do. It is only then that our own insecurities paired with the words or actions hold any force, or can take on impact in a negative or positive way in our lives. We are always going to come across people in our lives, who we will disagree with, who’s words and actions will not serve us, this is the beauty of life, the beauty of diversity. We have much to learn from the Autism mind. They have the ability to detach, to not place meaning in the meaningless. ‘ Suffering is universal. The origin of Suffering is Attachment. The Cessation of Suffering is Attainable. Path to the Cessation of suffering is, (after all) Detachment’ -Buddha

australian porn culture

The ABC network and Triple J Hack program had the perfect platform this week to begin what needed to be a serious discussion in Australia on the detrimental impacts that the pornography industry is having on the younger generation of the Australian society.

Instead the producers of ‘Australians on Porn’ broadcasted Monday 7^th December ABC, opted for a facile approach, ignoring the complexities of the real issues concerning pornography. The program was disappointingly kept safely confined and avoided at all costs entering into a deeper more controversial discussion around young people and the impacts pornography is having on their psychological well-being.

It is unclear as a viewer as to why the discussion was restricted to such an extent where effort had obviously been made to include the opinions of educated guests dealing with the problematic issues surrounding pornography. Why the views of Melinda Tankard Reist and Laura Pintur were consistently intercepted and disregarded is none the less perplexing. Even with the unyielding insistence of Melinda, to openly discuss the raw truths surrounding pornography and her courageous willingness to publicly use the highly controversial ‘porn language’, in efforts to bring awareness to the topic, unfortunately was to be of no avail. Perhaps, the ABC producers and Tim Tilly failed to do the necessary research in regards to Melinda’s particular approach towards the seriousness of this subject, and therefore were ill-equipped to handle the scrutiny that transpired during the program.

With the exception of Melinda Tankard Reist and Laura Pintur the programs selection of the guests was poorly executed. The invaluable awareness of these two women on the detrimental effects pornography is really causing, far out weighed and was incomparable to the ignorance displayed by the other guests and most disappointingly Tim Tilly himself. A clear example of the sheer obtuseness was no better displayed than when Lucy Bee states ‘you have probably sort out the worst of the worst,” when addressing Laura and questioning her creditability, due to her minimal porn experience. She uses the words ‘sort out’ like it is a timely, difficult process that one needs to go through to access a level of high rated pornography portraying extreme violence and or abusive sex footage. However, as a parent of teenage children endeavouring to be well-informed on the topic and the level of difficulty required in obtaining access to these sites actually is, and I quote is evidently easier than a “3 year old operating the remote control of a television”. Clearly, Lucy Bee is out of touch with the developmental advancements of children today.

If a 10-year-old boy can be introduced to a magnitude of explicit visual images and video flashing advertisements depicting child like, aggressive, rape, porn culture by another 10-year-old in the safe confinements of his school grounds, then I beg to differ on the diminutive importance that the ABC network in conjunction with Triple J Hack program put forth for this program.

The true intent of the program was no clearer represented than in the pre-reordered scenes that whitewashed the true seriousness of this issue through a bias presentation of glorified scenes and intent to guise the topic with mediocre humour, candidly.

Disappointingly, Tom Tilley representing, Triple J Hack failed tremendously on all levels to recognise the immense importance of this issue, and was particularly disappointing when he allowed his ego to take precedence over the arduous dialogue surrounding pornography and indications of whom it is really harming.

The ABC and Triple J’s representation of ‘Australians on Porn’ failed miserably to bring any kind of new informative public awareness and most incredibly undermined the intelligence and perception of its viewers surrounding a highly disturbing controversial topic that should be at the forefront of current issues concerning the well-being of our younger generation of Australians.

Shame on you ABC and Triple J.

We are in a moment of transition. She, moving from the securities of school and routine into a world of unfamiliar patterns with no real defined path to take and i, into that of being a parent of a young adult who i adore and are sincerely troubled by. My troubles come not with so much her misunderstandings of me, my ways, my thinking, but more so of my own lack of understanding in the ways a mother should know her daughter and the way she moves. It has been a tireless rollercoaster of emotions, I am missing the mark more times than not, lately. Too many tears are being shed, too many battles are playing out. There are too many times when i am forgetting that our minds work differently, that she sees and defines her world in her own way, in her own time, my impatience is relentless. Why am i failing to remember her truth when in the midst of the drama and chaos of the moment? And it is only in the quiet moments after all has been said and done, when the fire has reluctantly settled and we are exhausted from trying so hard, to understand each other, to go away not really understanding anything at all; that i find myself asking how much of this really matters anyway? does she really need to know that the world can be cruel and unforgiving and intolerant to differences? I am overwhelmed by how much learning i still have to do and fearful that the only way we are learning our way forward right now is though these unforgiving moments.

I know ill do better, as i know better. I will compassionately forgive myself of my misgivings of her. We will always start again tomorrow, neither of us holding our defeats against the other at the end of the day and life will go on.

Miller Williams, compassion

Have compassion for everyone you meet, even if they don’t want it. What seems conceit, bad manners, or cynicism is always a sign of things no ears have heard, no eyes have seen.
You do not know what wars are going on down there where the spirit meets the bone.

-Miller Williams, Compassion

simple cooking and words

“As to what good qualities there may be in our souls, or Who dwells within them, or how precious they are — those are things which we seldom consider and so we trouble little about carefully preserving the soul’s beauty. All our interest is centred in the rough setting of the diamond, and in the outer wall of the castle — that is to say, in these bodies of ours.”
― Teresa of Ávila, Interior Castle

I’m moving to a slower rhythm, keeping things simple, deciding what can and can’t flow through my life right now. I’m sure, and unsure, being brave and honest with myself. I’m allowing, unresisting to any uncomfortable movements that are arising and just letting them be. I’m giving myself the grace to be with all it entails. This is the only way forward, this is the only way that the new story can be created from here. I must know all of my inner most ingredients, everything that makes me move the way i do. I’m spending much needed time, unraveling, dreaming, grieving, understanding and finding my way back, towards forgiveness and acceptance. I can see all the answers, i can see how wonderfully great it is going to be, i can see the picture i’m creating and the way it will look, but i know i can’t just arrive there, to this wonderful new place. i know that there’s no skipping ahead, not on this journey im on, not this time. Everything that comes up, needs to be moved through, nothing can be rolled up, or put to the side or saved for later.. for some other time. i have arrived in a place that i wont allow myself to travel back from, i am willing to do or not do, what ever it takes to arrive completely at home with myself, again.

lemon thyme tuna patties

ingredients: 4 potatoes, finely diced spanish onion, tuna, fresh sprigs of thyme, rind of 1 lemon, sea salt, cracked pepper, parsley, 5 slices stale bread, 1 free range egg, olive oil

method: in a food processor, combine bread, parsley pinch of salt and process into fine bread crumbs. Boil the potato’s whole with the skins on until cooked through and soft when pierced though the centre. Allow to cool slightly before peeling and disregarding the skins and mash with potato masher. Combine tuna with a little of the olive oil, onion, lemon rind, thyme, egg, with the potatoes. Stir mix through and season generously. Roll table spoonfuls into patties and coat in the bread crumbs , laying in a single layer on a tray and refrigerate for 1/2 an hour. Heat a non stick fry pan with olive oil and cook patties until a golden brown before gently turning to cook the other side. Serve with a light citrus salad, hot or cold.

a prayer -RUMI

I have come to drag you out of yourself and take you into my heart.

I have come to bring out the beauty you never knew you had and lift you like a prayer to the sky.

If no one recognises you, i do because you are my life and soul.

Don’t run away, accept your wounds and let bravery be your shield.

It takes a thousand stages for the perfect being to evolve.

Every step of the way i will walk with you and never leave you stranded.

-RUMI

circling up

it circles around again for her now, this time with a simple intention. She has decided with extraordinary conviction she is worth fighting for, and she will fight hard. She knows from where she is standing that this story is complete now. She understands deeply that she has been the creator of her world all along, that the only one who has ever really let her down here, is herself. She knows with great certainty that from where she stands now, that she has been through enough of the not wanting that she is clearly ready now to decide how things will look for her from here. She understands that the beginning of this new story is hers to create, and hers alone. The difference is, she is unconcerned with the details, or how the things she is wanting now, will come about. She knows that all she need do is decide, and keep herself open to the faithful truth of her instinctual knowing that it will happen. Most importantly she knows now to nurture her own worth, and she won’t ever again need to settle, for anything less than. She has spent enough time there now, from here, she walks only towards her wanting. Now, when she looks, she looks not at how the world around her can bestow upon her, the dreams she envisions, instead she understands that the real magic can only ever really begin and come from within. It is here in the stillness, when she quietens herself down long enough to hear her own voice and feel her way towards what she is asking for now, that the magic happens. The rest is only details.

a blue house

This is the spot where i was standing, when i knew, with extraordinary certainty that this is the place we would find ourselves. I knew this from this moment when i took this photograph. For me, there was no need to even look inside, something greater said we would come here, that this blue house on this breathtaking piece of land would one day soon be ours to call home. There was already intimacy here, the plan was already unfolding before we even walked through the front door. I couldn’t help but smile. We can see ourselves here, we can see masses of vegetable gardens, fruit orchards and ducks. We see free range chickens and our free range children and everything that ever meant anything to us has found its new place here. It’s the kind of place where you would wake up with the morning sun streaming through the windows and smile, to be where you are. It’s the kind of place that the television serves little purpose, and children are free to roam and explore until their hearts are content. We are wanting to come here and slowly unfold this house and in the process hopefully unfold ourselves into something that resembles new ideas and new dreams for ourselves, and everything so far for this idea seems to be falling into place.

gone, for now

spending time with my boy has become a rare occasion now. I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but somewhere in amongst the chaos i lost hold of him. it might have always been going to head down this path no matter what the circumstances were but i can’t help but think that the more recent moments of uncertainty in our lives played an important part in his decision to no longer live with us. Life for our family has been wonderfully hard over the years with so many dynamics to contend with, toddlers and teenagers, autism and more autism. I can imagine for a thirteen year old boy finding your place in amongst all that is almost impossible. He was lost, i could tell that much, surrounded by too many females, who all had something to say about his well-being and the directions he was taking. He didn’t have anyone to follow lead from, to really understand the depths of his own wanting and confusion in all of this. Everyone who he was supposed to matter to, was too caught up in being held captive to their own devastation and we failed him terribly. I failed him terribly. He was suffering and i was spread far too thin to keep grip of him. He wanted out, he needed out, so I surrendered and let him go. He is settled now, living with his father and for now it seems it’s what he wants and needs. For the first time in his life, he’s getting to know his dad, really know him, right down to the finer details of how he fits into life with him now. I understand that this is important for him to do, that to understand and know his father better will in time give him greater understanding for why things played out the way they did. It has been really hard stepping back, to not be the one who is guiding the way and gently maneuvering him back on track when he gets himself a little lost. I am having to detach, not from loving him, but from the responsibly of being the one who is going to show him the way. He, has chosen another for that role, now. As hard as this particular change has been to our tribe, it has unexpectedly brought with it a space for breathing. A space for me to completely let go of one of the heavy challenges i was carrying. It has allowed for things to slow down, for the constant rhapsody that was flowing between my two sons, to settle. It has allowed me the room to be more gentle on myself and more importantly more gentle on him. We are moving to a new dance now and it seems to be working better. Spending time together when it happens, is more earnest now. It takes on a level of importance that it always should have had. It’s possible that this time was always going to present itself at some stage in his life, where he would feel that he needed to go, but it came so much sooner than i was expecting. I am alright with it now, and even at times i am quietly thankful for his decision.

letting go

i have been living in the same place, the same house for almost twenty years now. I have been living here all the while dreaming of there. Never moving or changing the scene for fear of it being too hard, of not wanting to upset delicate routines of children and thinking that staying grounded in the one place is what is best for everyone; even though i have longed for as long as i can remember for different, for new, for something other than here. I envied people who took chances, who moved around, who were always heading somewhere new , some place fresh. Over the years i have been seeking out possibilities of where we may see ourselves, but really nothing ever felt right, not right enough to uplift an entire tribe. I have found it hard to be inspired having to stay in the one place, my creative flow always searching for something new to draw from, searching out scenes that have become all too familiar now. Yet this house of ours has served us well. It has housed and nourished five children from babies and provided a safe place for life to unfold. It has been the solid foundation when much in our lives has been volatile over the years. It has sheltered us from many wounds and ever so gently nurtured us back towards ourselves. It has been as much as i dreamt of different, in the end, our saviour. Something deep within says it’s time now. Time for letting go of this place we have only ever known as home. It’s time now for a new beginning in a new house. Our story within these four walls is inching towards the end, and I am unafraid, and unresisting towards the process, as i know this is exactly the way it is meant to be. Life is asking us to begin again the intricate journey of unfolding ourselves in some place new. And i am looking forward to the story it entails.