autism – Page 2 – St GEORGIA & Boo

thoughts for mothers

Children are savants when it comes to feeling where we are as mothers. Not just on any particular day, but on the whole on where we are standing within ourselves in our lives. When i look back now, it is clear that the times i was a little lost within who i was or where i was standing, were also the times when my children also struggled within themselves the most. These times on the surface would have seemed to the outsider to be no different, children were well taken care of, there was always love, nourishment, warmth and routine, our faces friendly and smiling. I knew well how to play happy. On the inside though, i was always wondering if i was truly standing where i was supposed to be. I was unsettled, feeling lost in my created world, like something other was always calling me forward. There was a search going on inside, i never really understood or even realised this at the time. Life was not allowing me to really settle anywhere that was not serving my highest self, not even for the sake of the children. The uneasy, unsettledness that was a continuous flow for quite some time within me, was i am certain now, mirrored back through my children in their movements and sense of being. I realise like a ballad, they are fine-tuned to our frequency, and that the music we are playing at any given time is going to be reflected in our children movements no matter how young they are. At times, i have been naive to think that they would be oblivious to the rhythms i was flowing to. That as so long as they were bathed, well fed and taken care of on the outside, that all the rest of what i was feeling would not be effecting them. I was so very wrong. I have come to a place of understanding now of how much it matters. That as mothers we don’t deny ourselves our lives or our truths. The ways in which we strive for ourselves and our worth are the ways in which we teach our children to strive for themselves, to strive for their own worth. My young children are still flowing to my rhythms, my older ones are recognising their own and transitioning from mine towards that of their own. Right now i am living truthfully, not just on a surface level but deeply within the layers of my being. Perhaps my inability to settle for anything that isn’t a true reflection of who i am or my simple unwillingness to sacrifice myself wholly, is what has now brought me to this place of divine contentment. I know that i have arrived within a place of my own being where i will never again ask permission from anyone to be who i instinctively am. I am flowing to a rhythm of truth, following towards my own wild heart. This is having a beautiful ripple-stone effect on the children’s sense of being. They too are content, happy within themselves and for now, riding on the frequency of my authentically living.

contemplation

Education is a complex and unnerving predicament again for me right now. I am familiar with this approaching uneasiness, having been here once before. Even though it may seem we have come so far in the understanding of Autism, admittedly i still have very little faith in what is on offer in the realm of mainstream schooling. Autism moves to a rhythm of its own, and the immensity of perceptual change needed seems far too great, before children with Autism will really be able to flow as themselves, in a conformed learning environment beside those without. Autism is viewed and distinctively labeled as a ‘dis’ ability, diagnosed formally as a ‘dis’order, a not quite ‘normal’ version of what is considered neurologically to be of normal functioning. There is nothing within this notion that i could disagree with more. I have read enough to understand what the science says, i have collaborated for long enough with what the psychology is saying. I have been working my way through the often tiresome array of information and opinions on whats best for Autism right up until now. Now, i have decided to let it go. All of it. I have let go of the psychology behind the monotonous methods of behaviour therapy, which admittedly in the beginning i sincerely embraced, and only now do i understand was under the belief that Autism is a ‘problem’ that could be resolved and aided through repetitious behavioural training. Quite possibly it did help on a surface level, however the notion that Autism is a ‘problem’ needing to be fixed, never has truthfully sat well with me at all. In the beginning, there was a level of expectation as a parent to take action. A portrayal of an ‘issue’ needing to be attended to with a sense of urgency, whilst the brain functioning is still in its vital stages of development. You were considered fortunate to know early, with an increased prospect for your childs outcome, more opportunity for implementing ‘right’ behaviours, re-developing the brains patterns to more appropriate responses and actions. And, at a time when i believed i held limited information on what was best for my child, this was appealing and made considerable sense to me. It was easier to trust, to go along with and be told what it is you needed to do by the cultivated experts in the field of Autism, than trust your own innate wisdom. It was easier and less confronting to go along with the preconceived ideas and recommended ways to best ‘help’ my child, before truly allowing myself the time to go through the process of really understanding what Autism meant for us. I realise now it takes tremendous surety to step away from the opinions and conforming psychology that is embedded in the methods aimed at aiding those with Autism and it is only now, that i am able to do so in confidence.

So, after letting it all go and trusting that we are the wisdom in the knowing what is best for our child, he is truly flowing to his own rhythm. Now, only is he is really learning, he is teaching me what he needs to know more than any book or therapy session could ever do. Simply by being in the space with him and allowing him to be, allows there to be no expectation, on who he is, how his behaviours are defined and interpreted. There is no wrongness, or less than ‘normal’ view in his world now. In this space he is opening and has the room to grow at his own pace. He is leading the way in his education, he is deciding what he would like to know more about, what discoveries need to be made or challenges that must be conquered on any given day. He does not have to hide himself, withdraw, or become conscious of his quirks that bring him confused and often misguided attention. By deciding to no longer try to change his innate being, and the letting go of any practices that are supporting of assertions that the Autistic way is not of normal, or appropriate functioning has opened up a space for us. A place left untethered by any of societies preconceived ideas on how he or we need to be. Now when we pay attention, it is to him, and not everything about him. This way, requires you drop everything you think you know and begin to move in a way that feels right, better, it demands your true attention, a kind of listening requiring your whole self. He knows when the attention is else where or wonders or you become distracted mid conversation. Ironically he has this way of pulling You back in, refocusing You by gently moving your face back to his centre, watching your eyes intensely to ensure the listening stays, and that you are paying attention with your whole self. This contradicts most of what is said to be true about Autism. Looking back i realise that everything that we tried, the methods we used, was all in efforts to ease his suffering, what we believed would help settle him in the consistent unsettledness and better sustain him long-term out in the larger world. It is only now that i can see we were moving him in a way that will never serve his true self. We were teaching him to mask who he is for sake of survival, the sake of others, to move in a way that is foreign to him, to refrain from voicing truth of what he was perceiving in fear of judgement. Something that is harshly bestowed upon us in life, Autism or not.

What i have realised is, this unique way of being offers new understandings of the way in which we interact and communicate with ourselves and each other. Autism reaches into places of raw, unattached truth and moves to a rhythm that for most is just too confronting, raising the questions of your own beliefs and perceptions on what life is meant to look like. It demands you move with intention and integrity, have patients and compassion, and a willingness to stay present. For most, this simply is just too much to ask all of the time. We spend our lives listening to and being told what we need to do in order to be considered accepted and successful in our lives, often spending many years following that guidance presumably under the belief that it’s the right way, the only way towards a successful, happy life. Is it? i sincerely wonder, about that now. When my daughter was asked by an admired teacher what she wanted to do when she completed her senior schooling, she replied with, ‘create something’. Her answer was not surprisingly deemed unacceptable. Her intelligence and ability to know what is best for herself was highly disregarded. Was the honesty and integrity of her answer appreciated and respected? I’m afraid not. Needless to say she no longer holds this teacher in high regards and no amount of university degrees he has his name on would alter that perception. Indoctrination comes in many ways, from lifes many teachers almost from the very beginning of our lives. She has grown securely enough to think otherwise for herself thankfully, that the only perception that matters on her life and the direction it moves is that of her own, anything anyone else thinks is irrelevant. When i asked her the question, ‘knowing what we do now, would you have preferred a different way of learning, to be offered something other than undertaking mainstream schooling? She was adamant in her answer, ‘yes’.

beach stories

Time has slowed way down. The days seem to stretch on forever, it’s a welcomed change to the fast pace we had been keeping up until now. Everything is flowing beautifully, there seems to be no rush for anything at all. The more we step away from the routines and structured lifestyle that was defining our lives and time, the more we are settling into the flow of just being. Being in the company of ourselves and each other. Moving through our days unplanned, and to the rhythm of how we are feeling, keeping ourselves open to whatever the day holds for us. We have been here two weeks now, and i have been surprised by the settledness in the children. They have been unusually content with the move. It has played out smoother than i could ever have imagined. There has been no period of time where they are missing their old lives, old home, the stories we have left behind. There have been no tears, nothing to mourn. Everyone sleeps soundly here, wakes with ease, all the worries, all the things that no longer fitted, or served our highest selves have been left behind. We are moving to this new rhythm, it came naturally, there was no trying, nothing to change, it is all just divinely unfolding this way.

my superman

life on the autism journey is always a bitter-sweet battle for me. The battle rather has more to do with the outside world than the sanctuary of our own spaces. My predicament comes from trying to figure out how much do I insist he learn to change and conform himself to fit into what has been deemed to be acceptable social norms, and how much is simply left to remain exactly as it perfectly is.

Autism has this beautiful quality where it demands that you be impeccable with your word. you must say only what is true. Your must keep to your word, always and precisely in what you are offering, anything less always results in deep confusion and distress. It is a mindful practice, one that challenges me always and where emotional attachments play a very minute role. Its takes great discipline to become aware of everything you speak and to remember that everything to the Autism mind is literal. It is one of my most favourite qualities, amongst the many. I am learning, that not everything said has to be taken so personally, i have learnt to become unattached to the words, love has many guises. I am not hurt if my superman voices that he doesn’t miss me when we are apart or when he periodically moves out of home and into his nanas house and says he’s staying forever at age four. I’m not needing him to fill any illusionary gaps of insecurity within myself. I’m not needing him to kiss and cuddle on my terms when intimacy for him feels like an intrusion into his space. More often that not, his affection is shared through rough and tumble games on the couch, and for me that will always be enough.

How much do I train his indifference? Endeavour to adapt his behaviours so that they are more suitable, more pleasant to the outside world? He will most likely always say inappropriate things at inappropriate times yet they will always be truthful. Do I try to filter the truth for the benefit of others, to spare unanticipated feelings being hurt through their misunderstanding? Do I even have the right? This is after all who he is, in all his shades, the difference is, he really is no different to any of us at all. We are all of this, accept most of us just don’t say out loud what we are thinking, and more often that not filter our truths in fear of being judged, not liked, or to keep up with what ever disguise we have going on in that moment anyway. The Autism mind will always struggle to understand the false fabrications we invent to cover up true emotions being expressed, they will always state the obvious in any given moment no matter how socially awkward or offensive it may be, and i am drawn to this outwardly candid approach, there is greater depth for learning here.

We have in the safe sanctuary of our space, learnt not to take offence to the words. We have learnt to laugh more easily, even at the inappropriate, especially at the inappropriate. We are beginning to understand that the words and actions on their own, carry no feeling they are just words, just actions. They hold no power until we decide that they do. It is only then that our own insecurities paired with the words or actions hold any force, or can take on impact in a negative or positive way in our lives. We are always going to come across people in our lives, who we will disagree with, who’s words and actions will not serve us, this is the beauty of life, the beauty of diversity. We have much to learn from the Autism mind. They have the ability to detach, to not place meaning in the meaningless. ‘ Suffering is universal. The origin of Suffering is Attachment. The Cessation of Suffering is Attainable. Path to the Cessation of suffering is, (after all) Detachment’ -Buddha

We are in a moment of transition. She, moving from the securities of school and routine into a world of unfamiliar patterns with no real defined path to take and i, into that of being a parent of a young adult who i adore and are sincerely troubled by. My troubles come not with so much her misunderstandings of me, my ways, my thinking, but more so of my own lack of understanding in the ways a mother should know her daughter and the way she moves. It has been a tireless rollercoaster of emotions, I am missing the mark more times than not, lately. Too many tears are being shed, too many battles are playing out. There are too many times when i am forgetting that our minds work differently, that she sees and defines her world in her own way, in her own time, my impatience is relentless. Why am i failing to remember her truth when in the midst of the drama and chaos of the moment? And it is only in the quiet moments after all has been said and done, when the fire has reluctantly settled and we are exhausted from trying so hard, to understand each other, to go away not really understanding anything at all; that i find myself asking how much of this really matters anyway? does she really need to know that the world can be cruel and unforgiving and intolerant to differences? I am overwhelmed by how much learning i still have to do and fearful that the only way we are learning our way forward right now is though these unforgiving moments.

I know ill do better, as i know better. I will compassionately forgive myself of my misgivings of her. We will always start again tomorrow, neither of us holding our defeats against the other at the end of the day and life will go on.

gone, for now

spending time with my boy has become a rare occasion now. I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but somewhere in amongst the chaos i lost hold of him. it might have always been going to head down this path no matter what the circumstances were but i can’t help but think that the more recent moments of uncertainty in our lives played an important part in his decision to no longer live with us. Life for our family has been wonderfully hard over the years with so many dynamics to contend with, toddlers and teenagers, autism and more autism. I can imagine for a thirteen year old boy finding your place in amongst all that is almost impossible. He was lost, i could tell that much, surrounded by too many females, who all had something to say about his well-being and the directions he was taking. He didn’t have anyone to follow lead from, to really understand the depths of his own wanting and confusion in all of this. Everyone who he was supposed to matter to, was too caught up in being held captive to their own devastation and we failed him terribly. I failed him terribly. He was suffering and i was spread far too thin to keep grip of him. He wanted out, he needed out, so I surrendered and let him go. He is settled now, living with his father and for now it seems it’s what he wants and needs. For the first time in his life, he’s getting to know his dad, really know him, right down to the finer details of how he fits into life with him now. I understand that this is important for him to do, that to understand and know his father better will in time give him greater understanding for why things played out the way they did. It has been really hard stepping back, to not be the one who is guiding the way and gently maneuvering him back on track when he gets himself a little lost. I am having to detach, not from loving him, but from the responsibly of being the one who is going to show him the way. He, has chosen another for that role, now. As hard as this particular change has been to our tribe, it has unexpectedly brought with it a space for breathing. A space for me to completely let go of one of the heavy challenges i was carrying. It has allowed for things to slow down, for the constant rhapsody that was flowing between my two sons, to settle. It has allowed me the room to be more gentle on myself and more importantly more gentle on him. We are moving to a new dance now and it seems to be working better. Spending time together when it happens, is more earnest now. It takes on a level of importance that it always should have had. It’s possible that this time was always going to present itself at some stage in his life, where he would feel that he needed to go, but it came so much sooner than i was expecting. I am alright with it now, and even at times i am quietly thankful for his decision.

honouring a year past..

This year has been a hard one for our family, big changes came with big challenges, much of which we are still unfolding. My girls sometimes worry that we are unique in the current unrest of our home, that the waves of emotions and truthful uncertainties are not something that is felt within the homes of their friends families. The truth is, it is more likely closer to what is real than the idea of ‘happily ever after’ is in many ways. We are forever unfolding and growing into ourselves and if we get too caught up in things that don’t matter for long enough, we can lose sight of what truly does, even with the ones we love the most. It is important for them not to be too sheltered from life’s pains. If we protect and hide what is real, what is raw and true, we teach them to only know life as an all encompassing wonderful. And life is wonderful but it can also be equally devastating and no one is immune to feeling some sort of devastation at some time in their lives. We need our children to be aware of this, we need to them to grow with resilience, so when life imposes hard challenges upon them, they will know that it is alright to hit the ground. It is alright to feel hard pain. It isn’t a sign of a weakness or a betrayal of a story that they have been living, there is no shame, no need to hide or mask what is real for them in that moment. They need to understand that life moves around and around, and the hardest of moments will pass, we will circle up again. Staying true takes bravery. Staying true, doesn’t always mean that there is an absence of love. Love can be very present and it’s a difficult challenge to go on loving another without an idea of what the story is really meant to look like. Life and love are messy, children do complicate relationships, it takes a deep kind of honesty to be able to understand and often admit such inclinations. I would rather my children know that they wont be saved from never feeling pain in their relationships, that having children will challenge them in ways that they could never imagine. Parenting, is tricky. Autism is a blessing and a heartache. There is subtleties, that only you as a parent can recognise, the struggles and misunderstandings, confusions and frustrations. It’s almost impossible to completely understand, and as a parent you carry a certain kind of worry that is unique only to them. These honest challenges have put a strain on our family, and we are all still trying to find our grounding. I am hopeful that we are on our way up again. I have let go of any ideas of what I thought we were meant to be and are allowing life to honour us with what we are instead. I have surrendered, and relaxed into the truth and I know happiness will flow through our doors once again, sometime soon. This past year we have shared many, many tears and have experienced more than our fair share of temper tantrums from toddlers, teenagers and an overloaded mother. But as a family we have triumphed life with our spirits, love and acceptance of what is. In all our uncertainties that we have been presented with, we are settled in the knowing that we are a strong tribe and we will be alright, no matter what life bestows upon us next.

teaching him empathy, learning about space.

It is hard to explain and accept that you can’t just assume that he will always embrace your affections. That after hours or days or even weeks of not seeing his delightful smile, that he would openly allow you to take him into your arms. So that you may show him how much you love him, how much he means to you. This is not how it works for him. He must decided when. He must decide how it will play out. This is alright if you have no needs to fill, if you are perfectly happy within the space he creates for a while. It is hard to explain that this is not personal. That even a mother, a father, a grandparent or sibling can be denied at anytime. It is easy to assume that just because he wont allow you to take him in your arms, that he is not happy to see you. It is easy to mistake this for not caring. It is easy to feel hurt, even betrayed by his rejections. He is only three, and unaware of it all. I see, when people come to visit, how excited he is, how he hides this behind peculiar noises and animal masks. I see, that he is wanting to engage you, how happy he is that you are here, that you have come to see him. He may not show you this in the way you are expecting. He may show you this by watching you for a while from a distance, he may talk to you from behind his hands or he’ll find something for you to play with beside him. When he’s ready, when he feels that there is no longer any pressure, he will show you love. The love that you were seeking from the very beginning. I have found that it is always better to ask first. This is an unusual mannerism to try to adopt, to try to get others to follow suit too, that we should ask the other if a cuddle is alright or a kiss to say I love you, especially if that other is only a child. We are so accustomed to greeting each other this way, it comes naturally for most, and usually expected. It’s a pattern we have had to relearn for this little one. In the process it is teaching us about boundaries and personal space even with the ones we love. We are having to teach him about feelings and empathy and faces and body language. Why we sometimes cry and that laughing means you are happy. We are learning too, every step of the way, to take more notice of each other, to read the signs, to assume nothing and most of all to be patient. I don’t know if this will ever come naturally to him, if he will always find it at times uncomfortable and unnecessary. I’m not sure if we can change this or if we even should be trying. He is who he is, it won’t always fit with the world, it won’t always be what we want it to be, but if we can teach him to love and embrace himself in all his uniqueness and not be bothered so much about the things that really don’t matter, then I believe, that will be more than enough.

a letter to a teacher

Dear…

I am sending you this in response to a conversation you had with a student, my daughter, a few weeks ago prior to the end of term.Firstly I wish to express that by writing this letter, by no means am I wanting this to cause any disturbance or ill feelings with in the teaching and school environment, my intention here is simply to inform you of a different perspective on a simple conversation for your further consideration.

The conversation in question proceeded with you asking my daughter if she knew what it was she wanted to do with her life after secondary school, or if she had an idea of what it is she could see herself doing with her future.

Undoubtedly, this is a relevant and important question that these young adults need to begin thinking about. It is a question of such significance that often it is asked over and over again many times though out a single life time.

My daughter, has indeed considered this question in great depths over the past few years, it is a conversation that naturally occurs quite regularly in our family around the dinner table. My daughter is insightful and clear about what it is that simply makes her happy and what it is that does not. She has an understanding about the things in life that drive her to want to know more, learn more about, take action on, become a voice for. She is passionate in life and understandings about the things that Really matter. Her strongest and most obvious caliber is her ability to create; her visual mind is of extraordinary magnitude.

When she answered this question for you, she gave you her absolute truth.She gave you a lovely list of things she ‘could see’, and I emphasize here, ‘see’ herself doing with her future. Her list I imagine would have consisted of many creative ideas and inventiveness. I understand that from an academic point of view this may not seem like a viable way to pave for ones future, that these choices that are being considered may or may not lead to what society deems a suitable or economically sustainable way of living. Your responses however, whether it be what you actually believe, or a moment of unconscious thought, to my daughter’s ideas about her life’s future were quite disheartening and surprising to say the least. You proceed to inform her that her ideas she was considering were merely just that of ‘hobbies’ and that they were not a means for ‘making a living’. I don’t wish to quote here on the exact way in which the conversation took place, however what does matter is the understanding of which my daughter walked away with from the experience.

You have in your judgments of what is considered to be a viable future and what is not, bought her to a place at a vital young age to question herself about her abilities to offer something of value and insight to the world in which we live.

Now, my question to you is this, if we are not to guide these young minds to follow their dreams, to pursue their passions and the very things that are the driving force behind what makes them who they are as individuals, and instead lead them to follow the ideas and beliefs of another on the advice that it is a better way, or the only sustainable way; are we not creating a society of individuals who need to perform rather than live and rather than acceptance of who they are, conditioning them into an idea of what they should be?

I beg you to consider this, if we are to follow the essence of who we are, and are fortunate enough to be able to offer a valuable truth of ourselves to the world and the people in which inhibit this world, are we not in essence creating a better place for ourselves and those around us to live. Where would we be with out the creative writers who offer their poetry for you to teach, where would we be without the painters who have embellished this planet with extraordinary pieces that are admired and past down through the tests of time, and the person who sat with pencil in hand and drew the outline of the satchel you carry your important papers in, and the books that are written, the gardens you stroll through, the glorious meals created from ingredients before they find themselves into the recipe books you cook from.

There are millions of ways to walk this life, my daughter is blessed enough that she falls into many, many ideas in which she will pave her way, all of which I’m certain will have a creative flare. And when I think of that prospect for her, I am unconcerned with the amount of money she will make, or even the details in how it will happen. For now, all that is important is that she believes in herself.

You hold an important and highly valued role within the school community, and have always been highly regarded in your opinion towards particular subjects with my children. It must be recognized that your view does impact the ways in which we move these young minds towards their futures. That you are in fact, in a position of great significance by educating and shaping these minds with ideas about themselves and the choices they will need to make.

Another student at the school, recently showed me a thought provoking piece by Alan Watts, titled ‘What if money was no object’ that is quite similar to that of which I have expressed here, if you are yet to see this piece, you may find it of interesting listening.

Kind Regards,

Carly Macaulay

hello

sometimes we find ourselves so busy in our routines that we forget to be spontaneous and can miss the magic that is always out there just waiting for us, to pause long enough to simply notice. On this day we did just that, we noticed, stopped, and said hello.

discovering words

Its taken a while, to get to this place. Where our boo is happy to play along side baby Georgie. We have been eagerly waiting and hoping that he would one day embrace and accept her existence. I’m happy to report we are there. It seems to be that all we needed was time, time for her to grow and develop into a little person that he could understand. From a very young baby Georgie has taken special interest in her littlest brother, intrigued with his every move. Even now I catch her watching him, taking him in, her love for him radiates, it is like nothing I have ever seen between siblings. She began talking very early, imitating our words, repeating everything eager to learn this skill. Quite recently Boo too has caught on to this fine art of learning language. They are at a very similar level of communication and words that he says, she says, what i say, they both say there is a constant echo of words happening all of the time. It requires you to pay particular attention to everything that is said Im calling it mindful speech. My teenagers are yet to have the patience or tolerance for such notions, they have unfortunately but successfully planted ‘shut up’ as the common phrase used for asking everyone to be quiet please, in a house hold of 7 it is now used quite frequently by our boo. They are embarrassed to say the least. When we all go for walks with the babies and we happen to pass people who are leisurely in deep conversation and our babies repeat one after the other, ‘shut up’ at the innocent by passers, they clearly see the unfortunate dilemma we are now in. Unteaching this to a child with autism and his confident 15 month old accomplice,is going to take some time and lots of patients. A positive perspective on this scenario is, at least they arn’t practicing the fine art of profanity.. just yet.

butter cookies and words

cooking with toddlers is always going to be anything but methodical. Before pursuit it is absolutely necessary to let go of any concept that the process is going to run smoothly and without fuss or mess for that matter. It almost needs to be seen as organised chaos with the idea that anything could happen and that there may not even be any consumable produce from the event. What is important to remember is, that all of the learning lies within the experience. For us it’s all about the sensory play, our boo thrives on the touch and taste of soft dough and at the moment any activity that encourages his participation, cooperation and patients is welcomed.

BUTTER COOKIES

ingredients:125g softened butter,100g caster sugar,1 free-range egg,200 g plain flour,1tsp vanilla extract,1/4tsp baking powder,sprinkles,extra flour for dusting

method: Beat butter and sugar in a kitchen mixer until light and fluffy. Add the egg and vanilla extract and beat well, then add the flour and baking powder and mix until a ball of dough forms. At this stage is good to roll dough into a ball and wrap in cling film and put into the fridge to chill for an hour, however this step is completely unacceptable to my toddlers so we always skip it and go straight to here, on a lightly floured surface roll out the dough to 1/2cm thick with cookie cutters cut out shapes and gently press into the sprinkles and lay onto baking tray lined with baking paper. If dough is extra soft from skipping the chilling step, you can, with lightly floured hands roll teaspoons of the mixture and then press them into the sprinkles. Bake for 10 to 12 minutes at 180°C or until the edges are slightly browned.

recipe adapted from JamieOliver.com Lemon Butter Biscuits

There may be more to it.

Most of the time to look at him you would never know. His quirky traits are playful parts of his personality. He is only three. He is boisterous, fast and loud, and can woo you with his infectious smile. When he smiles, when he sees you, you immediately feel better about everything. This same three year old can in an instant bring you to an immense feeling of hopelessness. Meltdowns would seem to the untrained eye, a temper tantrum, a child clearly out of control, manipulating parents with learnt loud, aggressive and unacceptable behaviour; clearly a spoilt child in need of some serious parental discipline. It would appear to the observer that the parent is too complacent, too submissive in their response to this confronting public display. It doesn’t seem to matter if on looker’s refrain from voicing their discontent, standing by with their well behaved children. In that moment they are the better parent. The judgment is always felt. Rarely are sympathetic, compassionate smiles of kinship offered. Even without the underpinning of autism, as parents we have all been there. When was it that we began to judge each other so harshly? When did we become unsympathetic towards each other in these moments? Where is the heartfelt understanding amongst mothers that says ‘it’s alright, I’ve been there too, actually it was only just this morning.’ I have found these moments to be the hardest on older siblings. They are all too aware of judging on lookers. They have mixed emotions, they know what is needed in this moment for their loved one. They have seen it many times, they are familiar and unconcerned when it is in the comfort of their home. Five minutes may as well be five hours. They feel his torment and carry the guilt of their own torment of silently wanting to step away; I understand. Explanation of peoples reactions is always necessary after any public outburst. I remind them every time that it doesn’t matter what people are thinking about us, or about our actions or lack thereof. All that ever matters is how we respond towards our Boo. For we understand and know him better than anyone else. I can only hope that the lesson my children are learning here might be that when they go about their lives and find themselves witnesses to yet another story, that judgment won’t be their first impression and that they will remember to feel compassion. Maybe even offer a reassuring smile to show that they too know this story only too well and understand.