intentionally moving off the path

Asperger would often just sit with the children, reading poetry and stories to them from his favourite books. “I don’t want to simply ‘push from the outside’ and give instructions, observing cooly and with detachment,” he said ” Rather, I want to play and talk with the child , all the while looking with open eyes both into the child and into myself, observing the emotions that arise in reaction to everything that occurs in the conversation between the two of us.”

-NeuroTribes, Steve Silberman

IMG_6164 IMG_6166 IMG_6167 IMG_6168 IMG_6169 IMG_6177 IMG_6176 IMG_6175 IMG_6178 IMG_6179

This is how i want my children to learn, i want to be the observer not the dictator to their curious and instinctual  minds. I want to watch what they are drawn to, and where they take themselves naturally when provided the space, opportunity and environment to do so. I don’t want them ever to become accustomed to what is perceived as normal or abnormal about themselves in a class room, by the  opinions that are deciding where they sit on some grand scale of intellectual competence.  Children are loosing their natural flow. They are being denied the access to learn by  instinctively following from their own interests, a naturally occurring process that is inherent to everyone.  There is no room for individual self-directed learning anymore.  Instead they are being shaped and moulded, and filled with information about things that are meant to support them in their lives, but really have nothing to do with their life at all.  By the time they are reaching high school it’s all but gone. Thats when it really becomes prevalent to what is happening. It is then that they too  begin to realise the sad truth of how little they matter in the system, how small their voices are, unless of course they have an exceptional skill that can offer some personal gain to the school.  It becomes entirely about working hard, retaining the masses of information, memorizing as opposed to learning, endless testing and our children tirelessly keeping pace, trying to  prove themselves over and over again.  It is about them illogically having to have their whole life plan set out before them, at the tender age of sixteen.   This is not the learning we are striving for. The learning we strive for is one that doesn’t require forcing information upon them with the expectation that they retain it and then perform it back in some way, as proof of a job well done. My children are learning to count, I know this.  I hear them practicing all the time, for their own pleasure.  I have also watched them refuse to count on demand or worse feel so under pressure, to prove themselves that they simply can’t.  Testing children is much the same. It fills them with dread, panic and insecurity, and really is no way to conclude where a child’s level of understanding is really at. Testing children in this country in the educational systems is out of control.  We test everything, even how fast they can run, in ‘beep tests’. This has nothing to do with nurturing the physical health of our children, or guiding them towards naturally being aware of how to take care of their own bodies, and everything to do with competition and adequacy verses inadequacy.  Never before in our history has  the pressure to perform been so rampant, you have to wonder how much learning is actually taking place.   We are living in a time where we are now recognising the expansive neurological diversity amongst ourselves, more than ever before, and the educational options to cater for the diversity in our children’s differences is few. Parents are wanting a new approach, they are wanting individual learning styles for their children as they are uniquely learning individuals. They are recognising that many children cannot learn effectively in a traditional school environment anymore.  With the number of children being diagnosed with learning differences it is inevitable that something will have to change. There is simply no one size fits all model that can be followed effectively anymore.

 

takings from T.S. Eliot’s, Little Gidding

chère douce Paris, je reviendrai un jour

IMG_8019

 

We shall not cease from exploration

And the end of all our exploring

Will be to arrive where we started

And know the place for the first time.

 

What we call the beginning is often the end

And to make and end is to make a beginning.

The end is where we start from.

For last words belong to last years language

And next years words await another voice.

 

But the passage now presents no hindrance

To the spirit unappeased and peregrine.

Between two worlds become much like each other.

So i find words i never thought to speak.

my superman

IMG_3299

life on the autism journey is always a bitter-sweet battle for me. The battle rather has more to do with the outside world than the sanctuary of our own spaces.  My predicament comes from trying to figure out how much do I insist he learn to change and conform himself to fit into what has been deemed to be acceptable social norms, and how much is simply left to remain exactly as it perfectly is.

Autism has this beautiful quality where it demands that you be impeccable with your word. you must say only what is true. Your must keep to your word, always and precisely in what you are offering, anything less always results in deep confusion and distress. It is a mindful practice, one that challenges me always and where emotional attachments play a very minute role. Its takes great discipline to become aware of everything you speak and to remember that everything to the Autism mind is literal. It is one of my most favourite qualities, amongst the many. I am learning, that not everything said has to be taken so personally, i have learnt to become unattached to the words, love has many guises. I am not hurt if my superman voices that he doesn’t miss me when we are apart or when he periodically moves out of home and into his nanas house and says he’s staying forever at age four.  I’m  not needing him to fill any illusionary gaps of insecurity within myself.  I’m not needing him to kiss and cuddle on my terms when intimacy for him feels like an intrusion into his space.  More often that not, his affection is shared through rough and tumble games on the couch, and for me that will always be enough.

How much do I train his indifference? Endeavour to adapt his behaviours so that they are more suitable, more pleasant to the outside world? He will most likely always say inappropriate things at inappropriate times yet they will always be truthful. Do I try to filter the truth for the benefit  of others, to spare unanticipated feelings being hurt through their misunderstanding? Do I even have the right? This is after all who he is, in all his shades, the difference is, he really is no different to any of us at all. We are all of this, accept most of us just don’t say out loud what we are thinking, and more often that not filter our truths in fear of being judged, not liked, or to keep up with what ever disguise we have going on in that moment anyway. The Autism mind will always struggle to understand the false fabrications we invent to cover up true emotions being expressed, they will always state the obvious in any given moment no matter how socially awkward or offensive it may be, and i am drawn to this outwardly candid approach, there is greater depth for learning here.

We have in the safe sanctuary of our space, learnt not to take offence to the words. We have learnt to laugh more easily,  even at the inappropriate, especially at the inappropriate.   We are beginning to understand that the words and actions on their own, carry no feeling they are just words, just actions.  They hold no power until we decide that they do. It is only then that our own insecurities paired with the words or actions hold any force, or can take on impact in a negative or positive way in our lives. We are always going to come across people in our lives, who we will disagree with, who’s words and actions will not serve us, this is the beauty of life, the beauty of diversity. We have much to learn from the Autism mind. They have the ability to detach, to not place meaning in the meaningless. ‘ Suffering is universal. The origin of Suffering is Attachment. The Cessation of Suffering is Attainable. Path to the Cessation of suffering is, (after all) Detachment’ -Buddha

 

letting go

IMG_2942 IMG_2921 IMG_3102IMG_2922

IMG_3100 IMG_2913

i have been living in the same place,  the same house for almost twenty years now. I have been living here all the while dreaming of there. Never moving or changing the scene for fear of it being too hard,  of not wanting to upset delicate routines of children and thinking that staying grounded in the one place is what is best for everyone; even though i have longed for as long as i can remember for different, for new, for something other than here. I envied people who took chances, who moved around, who were always heading somewhere new , some place fresh. Over the years i have been seeking out possibilities of where we may see ourselves, but really nothing ever felt right, not right enough to uplift an entire tribe.  I have found it hard to be inspired having to stay in the one place, my creative flow always searching for something new to draw from, searching out scenes that have become all too familiar now. Yet  this house of ours has served us well. It has housed and nourished five children from babies and provided a safe place for life to unfold. It has been the solid foundation when much in our lives has been volatile over the years. It has sheltered us from many wounds and ever so gently nurtured us back towards ourselves. It has been as much as i dreamt of different, in the end,  our saviour. Something deep within says it’s time now.  Time for letting go of this place we have only ever known as home.  It’s time now for a new beginning in a new house.   Our story within these four walls is inching towards the end, and I am unafraid, and unresisting towards the process, as i know this is exactly the way it is meant to be.  Life is asking us to begin again the intricate journey of unfolding ourselves in some place new. And i am looking forward to the story it entails.

free range kids, free range eggs

IMG_2808 IMG_2743 IMG_2817IMG_2821 IMG_2754 IMG_2771IMG_2769IMG_2820IMG_2748IMG_2743IMG_2779IMG_2747

There is nothing simpler and nicer than wandering outside and collecting the eggs to then cook them up immediately  for breakfast. If you have ever had eggs like this you will understand what I’m taking about..

 

ingredients:  sourdough bread , free range fresh eggs, organic butter, organic baby asparagus spears, 1 avocado, juice of a lemon, olive oil, sea salt and cracked pepper,  a couple of free range kids

method: Heat a non stick grill pan on low, put on a small pot of water for the asparagus. With a glass cut holes into the centre of the sourdough, lightly butter on both sides and put aside. Gently snip with fingers the ends off the asparagus and place into the water when it comes to the boil. Blanch for 2-3 minutes, then remove and run under cold water to stop the cooking process. Slice the avocado all the way around and remove the seed. Scoop the flesh out into a bowl and add the juice of half a lemon and season. Mash with a fork and set aside.  Lightly oil the grill pan and turn the heat up to a medium heat  then add the sourdough slices, as many as you can fit onto the pan. While toasting lightly season with salt and cracked pepper. Allow to toast for a minute or so then begin cracking your eggs into the holes of the bread. Allow the bread to cook to a buttery golden brown before flipping over to cook the other side. The second side will take less time than the first. Try not to over cook the eggs. When nicely toasted, take out of the pan and set aside on a board. While the grill pan is still hot add a little more olive oil and add the asparagus, gently sear for a minute,  lightly season with salt. Serve the asparagus spears on the toasts, and add a spoonful of the avocado mixture to the plates.   Give thanks and enjoy!

IMG_2525 IMG_2529 IMG_2527 IMG_2526 IMG_2530again, its been some time since i have been able to really Be here. Life, seems to be keeping me from myself. To have a moment now is rare, so rare that I become bewildered in the space and often lose the moment altogether. It’s not really how i want to be living. It’s not how i saw my life playing out. I’ve done a lot of starting over in my young life, and it seems i am here now starting over again, having to in vision new dreams, new hopes for us. I’m wanting this part to be over, the part where you move from one life to the other. The part where things fall apart, children lose their grounding, teenagers lose themselves even more so in the things that don’t matter, nevertheless matter the world to them. I am wanting the deep-seated sadness  to finish now, to finally leave me free from the thoughts of what my life should have looked like.  I am wanting to see what it looks like from here, i am wanting new spaces and to see myself healed and well and most of all happy.  I’m tired about talking about how tired i am, and become afraid about how long i can keep moving at this pace, taking care of others, too tired at the end of the day to take care of myself. I know change is emanate, i know something is going to have to give. I know the time is near where i am going to have to scoop up my super heroes into my arms and begin to fly again.

 

April

IMG_1233 IMG_1034 IMG_0995 IMG_1045 IMG_1164 IMG_1228 IMG_0639 IMG_0439IMG_1422 IMG_1424 IMG_1420 IMG_1414

April has been, trying ever so hard to purposely slow down, about creating new humble spaces for babies and chickens, challenging teenagers on their ideas about doing when all I am wanting is in the not doing. it has been about getting clear and being still, still enough to hear my own inner voice. It’s been about watching the worry, leaning away instead of falling into it. It’s been about knowing that whatever is playing out in this moment will eventually move on if i allow myself to let it go. Im letting go of a lot lately. We have created great spaces for celebrating birthdays and explored new places, we spent more time in the garden, more time just being with life. April has been a time for new growth. I am grounded and for now  i’m comfortable in the not knowing of what lies ahead. I understand now, that everything is as it should be,  that life is merely unfolding..

pausing

IMG_9142

I have paused. for a moment. Bringing my children in close. Deciding what matters and where to  go from here. Nothing seems to be clear. There doesn’t seem to be anything I should be doing differently. My children are all needing me in different ways. It is hard to find the balance and stretch myself enough for them. Trying to protect them from hurts but wary that some pains are what we are here to go through. They are what will essentially move us in the end. I need my children to know that life is hard most of the time. That it needs to flow up and down, that is the balance. We can’t get caught up in an idea that everything can always be perfect or pretty. The truth is, most of the time it’s not. But we keep striving for this idealism even when we know it’s most likely unattainable. The teenage years are hard, trying to find where they fit into the world, into the family,  but mostly fitting in with themselves. I think I am a better mother to babies, they make more sence to me. I struggle as a mother to teenagers. It is a time when it feels as though so  much is out of control, for us all. We try so hard to connect with each other but end up missing the mark most of the time. It’s a time when, as a mother I am having to take a deep breath and step back, and trust that somehow they will find their way, and their way back.

making the bread

Tranquility. Awareness. Jewish identity. Family. Truly restful sleep and the best food on earth . . .

We’re told that no such thing exists, but Shabbat may well be the panacea to modern life. Imagine: a day on which the world stands still. Imagine: a time when the search for your spiritual center ceases—because you now are at your spiritual center. Imagine: Shabbat

chabad.org

IMG_8117 IMG_8109 IMG_8119 IMG_8106 IMG_8110 IMG_8111 IMG_8104 IMG_8091 IMG_8090 IMG_8089 IMG_8116 IMG_8095 IMG_8096 IMG_8097 IMG_8094 IMG_8093 IMG_8092 IMG_8099

This is a beautiful Jewish bread, a custom we have borrowed and adopted as our own. We make the bread with many hands, through which my children learn about life. Everything is a process, finding the right ingredients, seeing if they fit, moving with them for a while, then rest and contemplate before you rise. Begin moving again into your desired shape, there are no rules here, if you don’t wish there to be.. Rest some more, and when you are ready rise again to your full potential. The final moment is deliciously sweet, full of love, baked to perfection and offers the world a wonderful slice of truth.

challah bread

ingredients: 1 cups lukewarm water,1packet active dry yeast,1 teaspoon sugar,3 free range eggs,1 free range for wash,1/4 cup honey,2 tbsp canola oil,2 tsp salt,4 cups plain 000 flour

method: Combine the lukewarm water and the yeast with the sugar into a small bowl, stir to dissolve. Wait for 10 minutes. The yeast should activate by beginning to foam. If it doesn’t, your yeast may have expired. pour the flour into a large mixing bowl. Lightly beat the eggs then add them with yeast mixture, honey,oil and salt to the flour mixture. stir to combine then turn out and knead for 10 minutes. Lightly grease the bowl with canola oil and return the dough to the bowl, cover with film and a tea towel and rest in a warm place for an hour. when the dough has double in size punch down to remove the air pockets, then recover and allow to rise agin. When the dough has doubled for the second time, it is time for the braiding. This is when the bread is blessed before it is separated and braided. Divide the mixture into two or three equal portions. On a large lined baking tray begin to plat the dough, tuck the ends under at each end. With the remaining egg make a wash by combing 1 egg with 1 tablespoon cold water. brush over the entire loaf and allow to rest for a further 45 minutes. Then bake in the oven at 190°C for 20 minutes, then remove and brush again with the egg wash. Return to the oven for a further 20 minutes. Once cooked, remove from the oven and place on a rack to allow to cool slightly before serving.. If it lasts that is. Ours never does.

 

 

 

 

lemon buttermilk pancakes with raspberry coulis

IMG_7625IMG_7626IMG_7616

lemon buttermilk pancakes with raspberry coulis

ingredients:1 1/2cups self-raising flour,1 free range egg,375ml buttermilk,juice of 1 lemon,3tablespoons caster sugar,2teaspoons butter melted,1teaspoon vanilla extract,extra butter for cooking

method: In a mixing bowl add all of the ingredients and whisk into a smooth batter. heat a non stick fry pan and add a little butter over a low heat, with a large serving spoon add a heaped spoon into the pan. allow to cook to a light golden brown and bubble on the surface before flipping. Continue cooking the remaining mixture.

Raspberry Coulis

ingredients: 1cup frozen raspberries,juice of 1 1/2 lemons, 1tablespoon caster sugar

method: Combine all ingredients into a fry pan. Over a medium heat, simmer until the mixture thickens and becomes syrupy. Serve warm over the pancakes with a dollop of mascarpone or crème fraîche.

IMG_7603 IMG_7605 IMG_7607

thoughts over lunch

IMG_5709IMG_5716IMG_5728IMG_5705 IMG_5706 IMG_5703 IMG_5713 IMG_5723 IMG_5720 IMG_5726

The simplicity of

feeding the chickens

who laid the eggs

for me to cook

to feed

to the children.

 

can all of life possibly be this simple?

I am so thankful that my children are living just a little of this simplicity, in between  ipads and youtube train clips. I’m thankful that my three-year old with autism can tell the difference between a carrot and a potato and that I often find play dough in muffin trays in my oven because he has been making cookies. Both of our little ones enjoy cups of tea in the morning, not because they are thirsty, more so because they already in their young minds understand the sacredness of that first morning cup, where sleepy eyes and heads are not quite awake enough yet for the beginning, for play. They will learn where their food comes from and that they don’t really need much to keep their bellies content.. maybe just a few chickens roaming in the yard.