growth – St GEORGIA & Boo

coming full circle

There’s always a time that comes when raising children that it becomes necessary to step to the side. We can only guide and set the pace for so long, then they begin to stretch themselves in and out of the comfortable and familiar places to see whats out there, what else is on offer. They begin this process of sifting and sorting through life’s offerings usually at a time when we believe they are most vulnerable. We are wanting to keep them close by, keep them securely tucked under our wings, keep them safe from all we know is out there. But the truth is, it’s necessary that they begin to know this for themselves. It’s necessary that we listen to what it is they are wanting and needing to do, at what ever age it presents itself, however hard at times it may be to hear. Our readiness as parents may not always line up with theirs. We must be able to step to the side, even if the words are hard to hear, even if we already know what the probability of the outcome will be. Even if we believe that their choice is not going to serve them well, it remains to be their choice. I have been learning to stand to the side of my children for some time now. Their choices are hard ones to hold at times, and it has become necessary to know when to keep quite and allow the sifting and sorting of their preferences to be that of their own. My children have been learning what works for them and what doesn’t from very young ages. At times its felt as though some of the lessons have been too hard, that they have been too young to be carrying such weights. Weights, that most of the time they have chosen for themselves. It’s not easy to stand to the side, in the deepest of love, and wait, wait to see if they will come back full circle. I’ve noticed, that most of the time they usually do, on most things. They begin somewhere with an idea of themselves and they want to see how it fits out there in the world. Then they play, explore, dream, fly and fall. And eventually, usually always they’ll end up somewhere where they first began. This is the beginning of their lives moving in circles, eventually everything always brings them home, back to themselves.

here and now

I have come to a point where stopping or turning back is no longer an option anymore. I realise too much now. Have seen, felt, and intimately know a truth that flows way beyond the depths of any of the stories we are telling ourselves in the here, and now. This understanding comes with a responsibility to myself, to my children and to you, as a part of our world. I can no longer walk this life asleep. The way i move must be in alignment with the what i believe, even if the path is the ‘one less travelled’. I know i will come up against some resistance, i know that interrogation is apparent, i know that not everyone is willing to go against the greater story that has been created, i know not everyone is willing to wake up. It’s a difficult path, it’s a path that won’t follow a dictation that doesn’t serve the highest self, it’s a path that won’t buy into being told what to do and how it must be done for acceptance from a social system that is clearly no longer working. A system that keeps us motionless in the evolution of our true selves. It’s a path that flows from love not fear, it’s a path of doing whats right, moving in a way that serves each other free from hinderance, because once you know better you have a responsibility to do better. I can no longer make my choices based on theories that don’t resonate truth for me, theories that have been determining the outcomes for the people of this world for, forever now. I am not willing to fall back into beliefs and ways that cause devastation and effect everything, when i know how deeply and with great certainty that the way i move, matters. We share the air we breathe, the sky and stars i see, you see. We are all intrinsically connected to each other, there is no you there and me here. Our children are going to walk this earth long after we have moved on, and that matters. Our children must be given the grace to walk in a new direction. They already have the awareness, they already know how it should be, they are born knowing. We change their story so very young, we dictate their lives, put them into systems that don’t work and demand they comply. We do this so they will grow to become good, complying, sociably acceptable adults that will refrain from questioning anything greater or different. We do this so that they will continue to abide in this world that is driven by fear, power and money, rather than love and faith. We do this so that they will fall into the deep sleep, and forget all they know to be true for themselves and each other and hope that they’ll take on enough of the illusion to get them through their lives in what we perceive to be some ideal happiness. It really begins and ends here, eventually they grow and realise that life rarely works that out that way, and it is then that they too will begin the journey of unlearning all they were told to be true for themselves. Change is emanate. Our children must be allowed to lead the way, to flow to new rhythms, to advance and surpass the outmoded ways of thinking without being sanctioned. We must give up the idea that we know better, and stop telling them what we believe that they need to know. They already have the wisdom, all we need do is refrain from pulling them so far away from themselves that they inevitably forget.

The children rise slowly now, and only begin when they are ready here. There is no where we need to be anymore, most of the time preferring to not venture out at all. Days fill quickly with imaginary play, day dreaming and exploring our new sanctum. The peace is animate. We are all breathing freely now, not answerable to anything or anyone, except ourselves. I imagine in a perfect world its the way it should always be, and we are all the more the happier for it. I am watching the children unfold in their own uniqueness, in a space without life’s constrictions, its allowing them to be all of who they perfectly are. As i move closer towards what is true for myself, the more settled they are becoming within the truth of themselves. I have withdrawn on purpose, with purpose. Choosing to let go rather than fill unnecessarily our lives and time with things that don’t matter. I am growing stronger, quieter, surer and feeling my way through what i am wanting to remain, quickly giving myself permission to let go of what no longer needs to, without apologising. I’m seeking within, moving in the direction of having, doing and needing less and the more i enter this space, the clearer things are becoming, with a sense absolute. This is my life, the story i am creating on the pages are mine to own and live by, and all that’s really seeming to matter now is that i stay faithful to myself. I understand that my truth will not always be what serves the truth of others and only with love, can i say, that I am alright with things being that way. It is within the certainty of this space, I have let go of any need to please or pretend or play any roles anymore. I am moving from a different place now, and everything in life seems to be aligning itself along side it, including the children. So much of life seems to be directed for us, set on a path whether we are willing to follow it or not. I realise it is a courageous path to take choosing to follow your own wild heart, and in doing so be fearless with your choices, and i know it’s not for everyone, but it is where i want to be, that is something i know for sure.

simple cooking and words

“As to what good qualities there may be in our souls, or Who dwells within them, or how precious they are — those are things which we seldom consider and so we trouble little about carefully preserving the soul’s beauty. All our interest is centred in the rough setting of the diamond, and in the outer wall of the castle — that is to say, in these bodies of ours.”
― Teresa of Ávila, Interior Castle

I’m moving to a slower rhythm, keeping things simple, deciding what can and can’t flow through my life right now. I’m sure, and unsure, being brave and honest with myself. I’m allowing, unresisting to any uncomfortable movements that are arising and just letting them be. I’m giving myself the grace to be with all it entails. This is the only way forward, this is the only way that the new story can be created from here. I must know all of my inner most ingredients, everything that makes me move the way i do. I’m spending much needed time, unraveling, dreaming, grieving, understanding and finding my way back, towards forgiveness and acceptance. I can see all the answers, i can see how wonderfully great it is going to be, i can see the picture i’m creating and the way it will look, but i know i can’t just arrive there, to this wonderful new place. i know that there’s no skipping ahead, not on this journey im on, not this time. Everything that comes up, needs to be moved through, nothing can be rolled up, or put to the side or saved for later.. for some other time. i have arrived in a place that i wont allow myself to travel back from, i am willing to do or not do, what ever it takes to arrive completely at home with myself, again.

lemon thyme tuna patties

ingredients: 4 potatoes, finely diced spanish onion, tuna, fresh sprigs of thyme, rind of 1 lemon, sea salt, cracked pepper, parsley, 5 slices stale bread, 1 free range egg, olive oil

method: in a food processor, combine bread, parsley pinch of salt and process into fine bread crumbs. Boil the potato’s whole with the skins on until cooked through and soft when pierced though the centre. Allow to cool slightly before peeling and disregarding the skins and mash with potato masher. Combine tuna with a little of the olive oil, onion, lemon rind, thyme, egg, with the potatoes. Stir mix through and season generously. Roll table spoonfuls into patties and coat in the bread crumbs , laying in a single layer on a tray and refrigerate for 1/2 an hour. Heat a non stick fry pan with olive oil and cook patties until a golden brown before gently turning to cook the other side. Serve with a light citrus salad, hot or cold.

circling up

it circles around again for her now, this time with a simple intention. She has decided with extraordinary conviction she is worth fighting for, and she will fight hard. She knows from where she is standing that this story is complete now. She understands deeply that she has been the creator of her world all along, that the only one who has ever really let her down here, is herself. She knows with great certainty that from where she stands now, that she has been through enough of the not wanting that she is clearly ready now to decide how things will look for her from here. She understands that the beginning of this new story is hers to create, and hers alone. The difference is, she is unconcerned with the details, or how the things she is wanting now, will come about. She knows that all she need do is decide, and keep herself open to the faithful truth of her instinctual knowing that it will happen. Most importantly she knows now to nurture her own worth, and she won’t ever again need to settle, for anything less than. She has spent enough time there now, from here, she walks only towards her wanting. Now, when she looks, she looks not at how the world around her can bestow upon her, the dreams she envisions, instead she understands that the real magic can only ever really begin and come from within. It is here in the stillness, when she quietens herself down long enough to hear her own voice and feel her way towards what she is asking for now, that the magic happens. The rest is only details.

a blue house

This is the spot where i was standing, when i knew, with extraordinary certainty that this is the place we would find ourselves. I knew this from this moment when i took this photograph. For me, there was no need to even look inside, something greater said we would come here, that this blue house on this breathtaking piece of land would one day soon be ours to call home. There was already intimacy here, the plan was already unfolding before we even walked through the front door. I couldn’t help but smile. We can see ourselves here, we can see masses of vegetable gardens, fruit orchards and ducks. We see free range chickens and our free range children and everything that ever meant anything to us has found its new place here. It’s the kind of place where you would wake up with the morning sun streaming through the windows and smile, to be where you are. It’s the kind of place that the television serves little purpose, and children are free to roam and explore until their hearts are content. We are wanting to come here and slowly unfold this house and in the process hopefully unfold ourselves into something that resembles new ideas and new dreams for ourselves, and everything so far for this idea seems to be falling into place.

the journey

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice—

though the whole house began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

‘Mend my life!’

each voice cried.

But you didn’t stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations—

through their melancholy

was terrible.It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

though the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice,

which you slowly

recognised as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do–determined to save

the only life you could save.

-Mary Oliver

Remember if you want to make progress on this path and ascend to the places you have longed for, the important thing is not to think much but to love much and so to do whatever best awakens you to love.

-Mirabai Starr, St Tereasa of Avila

“we all begin the process before we are ready, before we are strong enough, before we know enough; we begin a dialogue with thoughts and feelings that both tickle and thunder within us. We respond before we know how to speak the language, before we know all the answers, and before we know exactly to whom we are speaking.”
― Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves

She asks now not for guarantees or assurances of things to be alright. She asks now not for anything to make sense or even to play out in any particular way. She no longer needs all the right answers or to even really understand why life seems to be so much harder now, even though she’s older. When all she ever really imagined was it getting easier. All she is wanting now, is the courage to simply be still, with it all. If she can accept everything her life is presenting, without the need to change or move anything, if she can truly be alright with the uncertainties and resist the need to give into bitterness or regret or blame of another, then maybe, just maybe, she will be able to move a little closer, sink a little deeper, towards her centre, towards a new truth for herself. Maybe then she will see that all that has ever happened to her in her life, has really happened for her. She will understand that she is the creator of her story, that she has always been the one painting the picture. And if, she can bring herself to move though this, with love as her centre then maybe life will begin to flow differently for her. Maybe she will finally be able to be, the love she so deserves.

April

April.

April

April has been, trying ever so hard to purposely slow down, about creating new humble spaces for babies and chickens, challenging teenagers on their ideas about doing when all I am wanting is in the not doing. it has been about getting clear and being still, still enough to hear my own inner voice. It’s been about watching the worry, leaning away instead of falling into it. It’s been about knowing that whatever is playing out in this moment will eventually move on if i allow myself to let it go. Im letting go of a lot lately. We have created great spaces for celebrating birthdays and explored new places, we spent more time in the garden, more time just being with life. April has been a time for new growth. I am grounded and for now i’m comfortable in the not knowing of what lies ahead. I understand now, that everything is as it should be, that life is merely unfolding..

today

find me where you know i need to be

Today my mantra was.. ‘do some, leave some, grow some, do a little more, grow a little more.’

Jyanla Vanzant,In the Meantime

I am not I. I am this one walking beside me whom I do not see, whom at times I manage to visit, and whom at other times I forget; who remains calm and silent while I talk, and forgives, gently, when I hate, who walks where I am not, who will remain standing when I die.

By Juan Ramón Jiménez

She is searching now, although not outside of her self any longer. She has gone within, deep within to the core where she knows all of the answers she so desires to know about herself are. She asks now,in quiet whispers,and out loud for the help and the direction she needs,she understands that she is not alone, that the one she speaks to resides within her, this is something she has always known. She is unafraid now, and with each breath she feels her own strength growing and she is aware of the strength that has no name, or maybe does but feels has her back as she moves forward and away from the familiarities of the way she has been moving through this life and begins working towards a more truthful idea of herself. She is beginning to feel the tips of her own worthiness. She knows the further she travels, the greater the love will be, for herself, for you, for this life. She believes all is as it should be, and understands that it is in the hardest moments that life offers, that are the greatest blessings, it’s what keeps us moving, keep us asking the questions, striving for something else maybe, something more, real, closer to our own truth. She is paying attention now, to herself, to what she is feeling in each and every moment and she finds herself holding back from reacting in ways she always has, and pausing for just a moment, just enough time to create a space, a gap within herself where she can decide what choice to make in that particular moment. She is moving through life purposely and intentionally now, and understands that this is the way it should have always have been.

…she was able to ware proudly her passion for life, instead of her heart on her sleeve. She knew to hold herself back because she valued herself. she knew her price-priceless. She knew that the kind of love she gave was only going to go to somebody worthy of it. When your young your self-worth comes from being loved by other people; but by the time you are a woman with a past, you know your value, and you love yourself. That’s where your self-worth comes from. No man can ever give you your self-worth, but you can let plenty rob you of it. On the surface it would seem she is self-centered, which she is. But self-centered in the best possible way; being centered in the truth of who she is. Her authentic self. A woman who knows this deserves nothing less than to be loved truly madly deeply. Unconditionally. Devotedly. Exclusively. A woman who will not settle for anything less. Because that is the only way she knows how to love.

-Sarah Ban Breathnach

I have been confused and troubled by love for my life. I know i have wanted to believe that love is something only another can give to you, like a precious gift perfectly wrapped, a gift that would always remain the same, unable to be moved by life and harsh circumstances. I always wanted to believe that it is possible for another to give you the things that you were missing from your own beliefs, that they may just be able to fill the gaps, build you up, see your potential, even if you really couldn’t see or believe these things for yourself. I wanted to believe it to be this way, because i thought it was easier. There is no need for me to do anything. No need for me to do the hard work of discovering it for myself, within myself, by myself. It’s easier to accept and embrace the precious gift from another. What i have learnt, is that this rarely works. The very things we are looking for outside of ourselves, for love to provide us with, can never be found out there. It will never really exist there, unless of course, it already exists within you. It’s always nice in the beginning, your love see’s you the way you want to see yourself, you fall in love with the idea they have of you. It’s always a nice idea but it can never be a lasting idea because you don’t for a second believe it to be true for yourself. And that is the only place where love can begin. What i know now is, love doesn’t ask that we change or bend ourselves, it’s doesn’t require us to hide or manipulate truths about who we really are, or ask that we deny any part of ourselves that don’t seem to fit. Love requires nothing, it just is. It doesn’t need to be built up, explained or begged for, it doesn’t even need recognition or admiration, love just simply exists and i understand now, that i must be all that i am seeking, i must journey within and discover that great love for myself, by myself, only then will i truly be able to share it with another.

‘forgive yourself not because of all the signs you failed to acknowledge or all the things you did not ask for but because you did not understand that the only way to discover what you want is to spend time in what you do not.’

-Jyanla Vanzant