spirituality – St GEORGIA & Boo

Gods impersonating as children

Healing looking very suspicious these days, tracking along side escalating dollar amounts almost becoming a trillion dollar industry.. If healing is thriving in a time of sickness then we ought to be careful what we name sickness.

-Bayo Akolomafe

What does it mean to be well? Functioning? Normal? Contributing? Sane?

What does it mean to be these things from the view point of an ideology that is failing, has failed and who’s very fabric is falling away at the seams?

Should we even want to be well when wellness means falling back into systematic ways of being, partaking in stories that have not served kindly on the majority of humanity as a whole. Where do we find ourselves if we refuse to follow along, refuse to indoctrinate our children and force them to define themselves by notions that only serve the small minority, but instead waver on the outskirts, on the margins, belonging somewhere but no where from the grand narratives point of view.

How do we justify a life of happiness, enough food, warm shelter, access to clean water, the ability to take what we want to believe in and leave the rest behind for someone else’s contemplation because the harsh truth of it doesn’t feel good, because we know that what is on offer, is most certainly causing another to suffer? How do we justify our phones, our clothes, the very earth we hold ourselves to, when it is to the detriment of another be it human, non-human or life force. Can we still be alright with that, if that’s what it means to be well? Are we functioning well by fitting in, showing up, and wearing the construct of the story that has been passed down, placed upon us, even when we know that the fabric of the construct is dramatically failing and falling away, that it makes no sense anymore to the children that can’t sit still in a classroom, to the children that can’t ware shoes or don’t own any, can’t read or whom carry the companionship of voices in their heads. Are we well if we know these things and still we look the other way, we medicate, force and dominate, trying to make these things fit, that were most likely never meant to fit us this way in the first place.

Maybe we are not meant to be healing, fixing these things. Maybe the children that are being born into these untameable bodies that are bursting in their own wild forces are meant to be here. Maybe they are not really children with Autism at all but Gods of some other time. They are arriving in a cataclysmic motion, with an irresistible compulsion, causing trouble, denying the normative, upsetting the grand narrative. Could it be that we haven’t yet realised it is not for us to decide how they should be in the world, that it’s not really about us shaping things differently so that they can fit better, when fitting in is no longer what is necessary. Maybe they are here to take things apart, to cause mischief in the systems, to undo things, upset things, make trouble, disturb all manner of the seemingly normality of things. What if that story we are trying so very hard to manipulate their bodies into is finished now, that the reason they arrive in such grand force, what has been assumed could be an approaching Autism epidemic is because we are not listening, we are not really paying attention. Instead we are still trying to play out a narrative centred around an androcentric normality that no longer exists.

…maybe we should be ‘considering not what gets in the way of healing, but .. what healing gets in the way of. ‘ -Bayo Akomolafe

Maybe healing and fixing these things is, to not consider what we may not be able to see. Maybe we are yet to have the language for such places. What if we are being asked to consider and trust something so vastly different from anything we have ever known or seen before and what is really happening is that we are scared. We are afraid of arriving somewhere and not knowing the answers, or worse still that there will be no answer. We are afraid to enter into these unknowable places with our children because we feel that we are the ones guiding them, that we know what is best for them, it’s what the narrative has always been. But maybe we need to step down now, from our hierarchy and thinking that we know what is best, for it is overtly obvious now that this is not the case. Possibly it has never been. Maybe we need to place our faith in something else, be it the roots of the tree, the soil of the earth, the unassuming butterfly or the invisible ones who occupy the unseen spaces or could it be in these wild Gods that are impersonating themselves as Autistic children.

my Möbius Strip

“If you take your index finger and trace what seems to be the outside surface, you suddenly find yourself on what seems to be the inside surface. Continue along what seems to be the inside surface, and you suddenly find yourself on what seems to be the outside surface. ” Parker Palmer

I’ve spent 30 days nurturing the inside, gently saying no to most things on the outside and intern saying yes to myself. It’s necessary every now and again to reassess all that is going on in life and sort through all that’s not flowing in the same direction, if we are to keep ourselves wide open and remain steady on the path of our truth. It is finding ways of bringing the outside world into aliment with what we are seeking for ourselves on the inside. The space was easy to be in and flowed more naturally than i expected it would. It was easier to say no from this space. A space where i compassionately gave myself permission to matter more than any other for this moment. And before giving anyone my yes, i foremost required a yes from my inner world first. More often, it was a no, which helped me to realise just how much of my inner world i have been compromising for the outer worlds wanting. Finding the balance is essential in keeping the two worlds flowing harmoniously. For now, I have become my highest priority in my story. My well-being is the one that’s vitality matters most if i am to continue to carry the weight of my tribe and also stay on the path of living faithfully within my truth. And i am understanding ever so clearly now, that it must be for the sake of my children that i remain it to stay this way. For me to be my highest idea of myself as a mother, daughter, friend or anything on the outside world, i must foremost be the highest idea of myself in my inner world first. It’s the only way to keep moving forward. I’m not interested in standing still or bending myself in ways that i know are going against the inner flow. I’m only interested in keeping myself wide open and in the certainty that what ever path I am to embark on from here on in, will be one closer to a truth of who i am now, and will perhaps have little resemblance to any i have travelled before. I am reawakening the dreams that have been with me forever that i had some time ago decided could never be, and I have decided that they could be once again, for this Is my life. I’m focusing less on the intricate details of how and when things will come about and spending more time in the knowing of they just will. My children are on this journey with me, and they flow closer to their own rhythms of truth the closer i flow to mine. So it is as much for them as it is for me that i endeavour to stay on this journey of compassionately tending to myself, endeavouring to close the gap between my outside and inside worlds.

‘forgive them for they know not what they do’

I’m loving myself enough to say no. No in kindness, no with absolute love, for myself. I’m loving myself enough to know that whatever i am extending to myself in this moment will eventually flow on and through me to effect the whole. I’m not bothered by the resistance for I am sitting strong and sure and in the knowing of my truths certainty. I understand that it’s not personal. They are just reactions to my actions. The resistance will always come, not because what I’m doing is wrong but because there is a deep sense of loss of control from the other, and possibly they are unfamiliar and uncomfortable with this new me. A me that is valuing herself and will acknowledge herself and how she feels before moving on any decision. Moving this way, is intimate, slower, mindful and with purpose. It’s not always going to sit well in this fast paced, get what you want, kind of a world. And there are always going to be times when people just don’t want to hear you say No. Its alright, I’m not taking it personally. I understand that it is impossible for me to continue to please and accommodate everyone, without treating myself with the same deference. Life just doesn’t work that way. We cannot truly share with others what we are essentially denying ourselves. So I’ve taken myself back to the beginning, giving to myself all that i ultimately wish to share with others. I’m not resisting the resistance, but rather allowing their experience to be that of their own, what ever that entails, it’s not my responsibility to own or carry how others choose to react, anymore. My mantra for todays is ‘Forgive them for they know not what they do’ – Luke 23:34 So be it, amen.

Next Truth

They did not feel they could choose what they wanted, independent of circumstances. … it always seems that circumstances are powerful- more powerful than you are. You feel that all you can do is react or respond to them. Even if you have developed great skill in outmaneuvering circumstances, like a lion tamer outmaneuvering the lions, it is still the circumstances- the lions- that hold the ultimate control in how you live you life. -Robert Fritz

This has been the way i have lived life, for most of my life. My first considerable circumstance that defined how i would move was my first child. In trying to choose the best life for her, I married her father and began creating the story. I wish i could say with Truth that it was out of a deep love, for him, but i can’t, it was out of a deep love for her. And i knew this at the time, even at twenty. I stayed quiet, silenced the voice within and did what needed to be done to ready myself for the making of a family. I pretended that it was all that mattered. Believing that there was enough love to make it look as though it was always going to be part of the plan. But it hadn’t been my plan, it caught me by surprise and i reacted. This story played out for seven years in all the usual ways, and for the most part i was content with all the distraction children brought. I was abundant in the circumstances surrounding the way i was moving through life and avoiding my truth. It simply was just too much to allow to rise to the surface in this story. We do that as mothers, leave ourselves behind or worse in the dark to keep the story going. And we usually think we do this well, but it’s never really far away, and life has this divine way of always bringing to you what truths you are needing to see at the time. And when my husband decided to leave one day, i remember i felt terrified and relieved in the same breath. Terrified at the idea of caring for three young children on my own and relieved that he had found the courage to leave, something i would silently be eternally grateful to him for. I’m no longer living this way, allowing the circumstances of my life to define my life. I’m moving from a different part of myself now, the one where the answer isn’t always clear right away but you know it’s there and you know that it will be revealed as its meant to, so your content in the waiting. The strength i learned about myself during this time, has carried me forward. It’s what brought me through the chapters that followed to where I’m standing now. It’s whats giving me the courage to stand strong in my truth, in the midst of this chapter. And with all resistance that comes up against it, I’m thankful to them for they are the continuum of reminders on how i need to be ever so mindful of my Truth.

First Truth

First Truth. I have five children. I’ve had two husbands. My marriages have served me well, not so much in the ways i thought they would but more so in the ways in which life was willing me show me what i needed to see at this time. I’ve made mountains of mistakes, that are mine to own and that I’m eternally grateful for. They are what has brought me closer to the truth of myself. I have held myself back from what i truly deserved more times than I’ve deserved which i am still learning as to why? I’ve found myself allowing things that i wouldn’t wish for my own daughters, i say daughters because its more often than not that they are they ones most likely to find their way into these places with another. I’m tired of pretending that what has played out doesn’t matter, or worse didn’t occur to keep peace, in the story that is playing out now. None of which serves me well. It’s not in my best interests to know secrets that are not mine to own, yet unspokenly held to keep them, so that they can stew around in the darkness causing unconscious turmoil to whomever they are connected to, even in the smallest of ways. Thats not my truth. I have nothing to hide. No errors that I’m ashamed of that cannot be spoken out loud. My mistakes have always been in trusting. Trusting others over the trust of myself. That hasn’t served me well. I’m trusting myself now. I’m trusting the instinctual judgment that comes from within, that wakes me up, says this is how it is even when a story is still playing out that i no longer wish to pretend to be apart of anymore, yet are continuing to do so for the sake of others. This doesn’t serve me. This is no longer the truth of me. Life at some stage needs to get real, I’m not afraid of shattering the illusion. I didn’t come here to sit quietly on the side lines and behave politely. I can no longer play roles and parts that don’t serve me and i won’t apologise for it. Peeling back the layers, requires being real in everything, with everyone. For some, this will be asking too much i understand this, the gap will be too great and ill let them go. And the ones that are meant to stay, of course will stay. It asks for us to unravel and be seen in all the shades even the ones we are most afraid of bringing to the light. But this is where i am. I have spent enough time playing in life, creating pictures to fill gaps and please all but myself. Its time for me to step into a deeper idea of who i am in this life. I’m awake now and it’s already begun.

‘There are no idle thoughts. All thinking produces form at some level’ – a course in miracles

We are settled enough here to begin now, this journey that only now do i realise that I’ve always been making my way towards. I’m stepping into the space of myself. Its necessary, if i am not to fall back into ways that are no longer serving to me. What matters to me now is simple. Truth. To be in the world as i divinely am, to know who it is beneath the layers. No masks, roles or expectations to play to any part that divinely isn’t who i am. I’m wanting the deeper understanding, as much as can possibly really be understood in this moment. It’s the deeper questions that I’m asking now, the same ones I’ve been asking for the greater part of my life, only now i am truly ready for the answers, no longer bound by the fear of what the knowing would entail. I understand now that nothing real can ever be lost by letting go of the story, nothing really exists that isn’t real anyway. It’s important for me to move into this place now, to not need to fill any gaps of myself with anything at all, not people, not things, places or experiences. The answers and knowing I’m seeking, are right here, in the depths of who i am. I understand, it’s not necessary to travel across the world for this. And although as tempting as it is, unnecessary to walk any long roads to Santiago, or be on the Ganges ‘Holy’ River for my prayers to be offered up and heard. It is not necessary for me to excuse myself from the life i have created. No need to stop, or pause in what truly matters. I can be a mother and find the truth of who i am in the same moment. It doesn’t require much to truly pay attention to your children and yourself, but it does require discipline, and the courage to let go of all that distracts and holds us away from them and ourselves. What is required is simplicity and less. Less stuff, less distraction, less doing, less compensating, less justifying, less hiding, less pretending. It requires giving into the less whist existing in a world that impels us towards needing more. It is necessary, to pause before deciding, to breath before reacting. Reminding yourself to choose love over fear in every instance and in every impending judgement you place upon another. Knowing deeply that what you think and say and do matters on the most unfathomable of levels. It’s knowing that forgiveness is incontestable and gratitude is absolute. Its willingness to move into these places of ourselves, because its our life right, the only way to go when you have spent enough time going all the other ways. You know that it’s time when you deeply understand that going backwards is no longer an option and life won’t allow you to stand still this time, not for this calling forward. I will undo, i will let go and keep going inwards and upwards. I won’t apologise for what can’t be during this time, honoring myself wholly for the first time in my life. From here, may only Truth follow.

circling up

it circles around again for her now, this time with a simple intention. She has decided with extraordinary conviction she is worth fighting for, and she will fight hard. She knows from where she is standing that this story is complete now. She understands deeply that she has been the creator of her world all along, that the only one who has ever really let her down here, is herself. She knows with great certainty that from where she stands now, that she has been through enough of the not wanting that she is clearly ready now to decide how things will look for her from here. She understands that the beginning of this new story is hers to create, and hers alone. The difference is, she is unconcerned with the details, or how the things she is wanting now, will come about. She knows that all she need do is decide, and keep herself open to the faithful truth of her instinctual knowing that it will happen. Most importantly she knows now to nurture her own worth, and she won’t ever again need to settle, for anything less than. She has spent enough time there now, from here, she walks only towards her wanting. Now, when she looks, she looks not at how the world around her can bestow upon her, the dreams she envisions, instead she understands that the real magic can only ever really begin and come from within. It is here in the stillness, when she quietens herself down long enough to hear her own voice and feel her way towards what she is asking for now, that the magic happens. The rest is only details.

if i were sitting with you, teaching you how to gain access to your own unconscious companions, I would symbolically take you by the hand and say, “Follow me, because i know how to find them .” I know how they disguise themselves in your psyche and spirit and how they hide themselves in the events of your life.. When I look at someones face, i look beyond that face and into the cellular memory in my heart that says, “Finally you and I have met again. And now we must find out why.” To sense an archetypal thread connecting you to another person is to connect with a soul agreement that has finally manifested in time and space.

-Caroline Myss, Sacred Contracts

Remember if you want to make progress on this path and ascend to the places you have longed for, the important thing is not to think much but to love much and so to do whatever best awakens you to love.

-Mirabai Starr, St Tereasa of Avila

“we all begin the process before we are ready, before we are strong enough, before we know enough; we begin a dialogue with thoughts and feelings that both tickle and thunder within us. We respond before we know how to speak the language, before we know all the answers, and before we know exactly to whom we are speaking.”
― Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves

She asks now not for guarantees or assurances of things to be alright. She asks now not for anything to make sense or even to play out in any particular way. She no longer needs all the right answers or to even really understand why life seems to be so much harder now, even though she’s older. When all she ever really imagined was it getting easier. All she is wanting now, is the courage to simply be still, with it all. If she can accept everything her life is presenting, without the need to change or move anything, if she can truly be alright with the uncertainties and resist the need to give into bitterness or regret or blame of another, then maybe, just maybe, she will be able to move a little closer, sink a little deeper, towards her centre, towards a new truth for herself. Maybe then she will see that all that has ever happened to her in her life, has really happened for her. She will understand that she is the creator of her story, that she has always been the one painting the picture. And if, she can bring herself to move though this, with love as her centre then maybe life will begin to flow differently for her. Maybe she will finally be able to be, the love she so deserves.

sacred spaces sacred prayer

The figure symbolizes my spiritual nature or God life This means that a wonderful pose of life has been shown me The beautiful poise of life assumes a unique pattern as my love enshrined in a rhythm of spiritual beauty moves and sweeps through mountains deserts rocks water birds and animals Everything God created everywhere at one time This my life has wholeness of meaning because of my inner most experience I have come face to face with those – beautiful life principles Jesus spoke of and which are

The light of the world, William Ricketts 1898-1993

The Call, ORIAH

I have heard it all my life, A voice calling a name I recognised as my own.

Sometimes it comes as a soft-bellied whisper. Sometimes it holds an edge of urgency.

But always it says: Wake up, my love. You are walking asleep. Theres no safety in that!

Remember what you are, and let this knowing take you home to the Beloved with every breath.

Hold tenderly who you are, and let a deeper knowing colour the shape of your humanness.

There is nowhere to go. What you are looking for is right here. Open the fist clenched in wanting and see what you already hold in your hand.

There is no waiting for something to happen, no point in the future to get to. All you have ever longed for is here in this moment, right now.

You are wearing yourself out with all this searching.

Come home and rest.

How much longer can you live like this? Your hungry spirit is gaunt, your heart stumbles. All this trying. Give it up!

Let yourself be one of the God-Mad, faithful only to the Beauty you are.

Let the Lover pull you to your feet and hold you close, dancing even when fear urges you to sit this one out.

Remember, there is one word you are here to say with your whole being. When it finds you, give your life to it. Don’t be tight-lipped and stingy.

Spend yourself completely on the saying. Be one word in this great love poem we are writing together.

ORIAH

Being

When your deeper sense of self is derived from Being, when you are free from the psychological need, neither your happiness nor your sense of self depends on the outcome, and so there is freedom from fear. You don’t seek permanency where it cannot be found: in the world of form, of gain and loss, birth and death. You don’t demand that the situations, conditions, places or people should make you happy, and then suffer when they don’t live up to your expectations.

Everything is honored, but nothing matters. Forms are born and die, yet you are aware of the eternal underneath the forms. You know that”nothing real can be threatened.”

Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now

I can see now that in small ways I have always been on this journey, the one towards truth, life, the essence of what Is. I have at times paused, challenged, denied, become lost, held great doubt, regathered, left and come back many times to this path, i now find myself back on. Maybe it is that i am only now really ready. That i have searched long enough and i have finally come to the understanding that the truth of what i am seeking is not out there at all. I am beginning to understand the depths to which our intricate beings travel, far beyond this thought or that, far beyond this world and that world. We are so very lost, within our minds, within the stories that we hold with so much faith and so much pain, and really they are only just stories. We are not our minds, we are not the stories we shape our lives with. We are so very much more than that. On some level I have always deeply understood this to be true, maybe that is why i have never been able to just settle into anything. And i have always been able to walk away in the end and continue the search, for what truly matters. I understand that really there are no endings, we are just all in some way trying to find our way back towards understanding the vast depths within ourselves and was it is exactly we are meant to know.

‘forgive yourself not because of all the signs you failed to acknowledge or all the things you did not ask for but because you did not understand that the only way to discover what you want is to spend time in what you do not.’

-Jyanla Vanzant

words and lemon thyme butter biscuits

‘It is worse to stay where one does not belong at all than to wonder about lost for a while and looking for a psychic and soulful kinship one requires. It is never a mistake to search for what one requires. Never.’

-Clarissa Pinkola Estes

She has up until this point tried to go without her soul life. That was never going to be enough. There comes a time when beginning again is necessary. Stripping back the layers of any delusions she has built up around herself over the years, revealing what lies beneath. This will take sometime, many moments requiring patients and the deepest of commitment to herself. She will begin the decent, travelling the road into the depths of her own intricate self. It could possibly be the most important journey she is ever going to take. For some, this time never comes, for others it comes with great fears attached, tremendous risks or copious hurts. The beginning of the decent usually comes without choice, it presents with a sense of urgency, it is a matter of survival, not of the hungry kind, we are talking about something much deeper than that. One where she knows, if she allows things to remain the same, that she most definitely will not survive. That any truth of her own will be lost, that she will lose her ‘self’ in this life she is moving through. There is a part in the back of her mind that is all-consuming with a terrifying fear, one that she has never before experienced, one that says don’t do it, stay here, safe and hidden in this story you have created for yourself. It is here in this moment that she must gather all that she knows to be true about herself, draw deeply on her faith and instinctual self and go, in a way that she knows she must. It is here, where she let’s go, of all that she knows to be true, of any safe haven she had, leaving her only with her own vulnerability in the palms of her hands. She does ‘this in order to learn her way, in order to clear her way, to the true and wild self.’

lemon thyme butter biscuits

ingredients:125 g butter,softened,100g caster sugar,1 free-range egg,200g plain flour,zest of 2 lemons,¼ teaspoon baking powder,1 pinch sea salt,3 tablespoons demerara sugar, juice of a lemon, 1/3cup icing sugar, Few sprigs of thyme

method: Beat the butter and sugar in a bowl with an electric mixer until light and creamy. Add the egg and beat until light and fluffy. Add the flour, lemon zest, baking powder and salt and mix until you have a ball of dough. Cover and place in the fridge for 1 hour, or until firm.
Preheat your oven to 180°C. Roll out the dough on a floured surface until ½cm thick. Using a cookie cutter, cut the dough into desired shape and place onto a lined baking tray. Bake for 10 to 12 minutes or until the edges are light brown. Transfer to a wire rack to cool completely before icing. Mix the icing sugar and add the juice of a lemon slowly until the desired consistency is reached, aim for thick pouring cream consistency, too thin and it will run off the biscuits. Sprinkle with demerara sugar and tiny sprigs of thyme. Set in the fridge for an hour before serving. Place in a jar or air tight container in the fridge to keep.

Slightly varied butter biscuit recipe, Jamie Oliver, Ref -Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women who run with the wolves

the interior castle

the calling

There is a secret place. A radiant sanctuary. As real as your own kitchen. More real than that. Constructed of the purest elements. Overflowing with ten thousand beautiful things. Worlds within worlds. Forests, rivers. Velvet coverlets thrown over featherbeds, fountains bubbling beneath a canopy of stars. Bountiful forests, universal libraries. A wine cellar offering an intoxication so sweet you will never be sober again. A clarity so complete you will never again forget.

This magnificent refuge is inside you. Enter. Shatter the darkness that shrouds the doorway. Step around the poisonous vipers that slither at our feet, attempting to throw you off your course. Be bold. Be humble. Put away the incense and forget the incarnations they taught you. Ask no permission from the authorities. Slip away. Close your eyes and follow your breath to the still place that leads to the invisible path that leads you home.

Listen. Softly, the One you love is calling. Listen. At first you will only hear traces of his voice. Love letters he drops for you in hiding places. In the sound of your baby laughing, in your boyfriend telling you a dream, in a book about loving kindness, in the sun dripping down below the horizon and a peacock’s tail of purple and orange clouds unfolding behind it, in the nameless sorrow that fills your heart when you wake in the night and remember that the world has gone to war and you are powerless to break up the fight. Let the idle chatter between friends drop down to what matters. Listen. Later his voice will come closer. A whisper you’re almost sure is meant for you fading in and out of a cacophony of thoughts, clearer in the silent space between them. Listen. His call is flute music, far away, coming closer.

Be brave a walk through this country of your own wild heart. Be gentle and know that you know nothing. Be mindful and remember that every moment can be a prayer. Melting butter, scrambling eggs, lifting fork to mouth, praising God. Typing your daughters first short story, praising God. Losing your temper and your dignity with someone you love, praising God. Balancing ecstasy with clear thinking, self-control with self-abandon. Be still. Listen. Keep walking.

What a spectacular kingdom you have entered! Befriending the guards and taming the lions at the gates. Sliding through a crack in the doorway on your prayer rug. Crossing the moat between this world and that , walking on water if you have to, because this is your rightful place. That is your Beloved reclining in the innermost chamber, waiting for you, offering wine from a bottle with your crest on the label. Explore. Rest if you have to, but don’t go to sleep. Head straight for his arms.

And when you have dismissed the serpents of vanity and greed, conquered the lizards of self-importance, and lulled the monkey mind to sleep, your steps will be lighter. When you have given up everything to make a friend a cup of tea and tend her broken heart, stood up against the violation of innocent children and their fathers and mothers, made conscious choices to live simply and honor the earth, your steps will be lighter. When you have grown still on purpose while everything around you is asking for your chaos, you will find the doors between every room of this interior castle thrown open, the path home to your true love unobstructed after all.

No one else controls access to this perfect place. Give yourself your own unconditional permission to go there. Absolve yourself of missing the mark again and again. Believe the incredible truth that the Beloved has chosen for his dwelling place the core of your own being because that is the single most beautiful place in all of creation. Waste no time. Enter the center of your soul.

-Mirabai Starr, The Interior Castle