truth – St GEORGIA & Boo

My children will not grow to know this day as a celebration. They will learn the heavy truths of the suffering that occurred during this time. They will not be sheltered from the painful reality of our history to follow along in this new tradition of celebration, when remembering is more appropriate for the occasion. We will acknowledge the true Australians of this land we have all laid claim to. We will recognise and validate exactly what this day represents. We will say how sorry we are in our hearts and ask to be forgiven, for the undeniably unforgivable.

trusting our own outrage

The freedom to be angry on purpose holds as much importance as does the freedom to be happy. One cannot exist without the other. There cannot be one feeling that circles around again and again, never realising anything other than itself. How would we ever possibly know what does not serve us well, if we were to only ever experience one single feeling without the contrast? Why are we taught to be so afraid of what this emotion entails? Our outrages can signify what doesn’t sit well with us, what truths maybe stirring beneath the surface of what we are yet to see. It could be what guides us in the process of recognising what is not in our best interest or what we should not be willing to settle for. Why have we been raised to be afraid of the contrast? To avoid the conflict at all costs, as if no positive outcomes or realisations could come from such experiences? We have been raised to not fight for ourselves. For some, the confrontation is so uncomfortable, that they are willing to hold themselves in untruths for the sake of peace, usually a peace that cannot and will not last or serve them well. I have had the freedom in my life to experience the contrast in such ways that i am now unafraid when it presents itself. I have learnt to pay careful attention when it rises, especially in the moments it catches me off guard. I am in a place now where i have learnt to deeply trust my own outrages. I have experienced the battle enough in life now to know that sometimes it’s necessary and required for things to move forward in the desirable direction. I have experienced it enough to no longer be afraid of what it entails. I am comfortable in the knowing that what drives my battle is a passionate truth. My own. I realise what serves as my truth can only ever be that. Not everyone is going to have the desire to live the same, they can only ever have their own truths to follow. I’m thankful for their contrast as it keeps me clear and heading in the direction to which I am wanting to go. And as hard as it maybe to fathom, it really is insignificant where others are standing in their lives. It only ever really matters and can become hazardous when you find yourself too focused on trying to change their truths rather than staying clear about where you are standing in your own. The story always only ever belongs to you. As soon as you can bring yourself into the realisation that you are always only ever creating the story, the sooner you can get on with paying attention to what it is you are wanting to look like. And becoming comfortable in all the shades we carry that take us along that journey.

coming full circle

There’s always a time that comes when raising children that it becomes necessary to step to the side. We can only guide and set the pace for so long, then they begin to stretch themselves in and out of the comfortable and familiar places to see whats out there, what else is on offer. They begin this process of sifting and sorting through life’s offerings usually at a time when we believe they are most vulnerable. We are wanting to keep them close by, keep them securely tucked under our wings, keep them safe from all we know is out there. But the truth is, it’s necessary that they begin to know this for themselves. It’s necessary that we listen to what it is they are wanting and needing to do, at what ever age it presents itself, however hard at times it may be to hear. Our readiness as parents may not always line up with theirs. We must be able to step to the side, even if the words are hard to hear, even if we already know what the probability of the outcome will be. Even if we believe that their choice is not going to serve them well, it remains to be their choice. I have been learning to stand to the side of my children for some time now. Their choices are hard ones to hold at times, and it has become necessary to know when to keep quite and allow the sifting and sorting of their preferences to be that of their own. My children have been learning what works for them and what doesn’t from very young ages. At times its felt as though some of the lessons have been too hard, that they have been too young to be carrying such weights. Weights, that most of the time they have chosen for themselves. It’s not easy to stand to the side, in the deepest of love, and wait, wait to see if they will come back full circle. I’ve noticed, that most of the time they usually do, on most things. They begin somewhere with an idea of themselves and they want to see how it fits out there in the world. Then they play, explore, dream, fly and fall. And eventually, usually always they’ll end up somewhere where they first began. This is the beginning of their lives moving in circles, eventually everything always brings them home, back to themselves.

my path of least resistance

I’ve decided to stay with myself for at least 30 days. Much like inviting an old lost friend over to spend some necessary time with. I’m getting to know the me that is within the me. I’m wanting this to be a beginning of the commitment to myself. This is my gift to myself. This is how i will begin the practice of moving with intent, intentionally moving with purpose. I am keeping myself in the moment, from moment to moment what ever that entails. I’m asking all the questions that one asks when arriving at this place in their life. And I’m listening whilst deeply awaiting the answers. This is how the clarity is surfacing, things that seemed important, are no longer. The ideas that i have been moving my whole life from are changing, I’m realising that they have never been my ideas. I’ve been following a way, a human blueprint for’ this is how things are done way’. And this simply does not fit with me anymore or possibly i am no longer wanting to be a willing participant. There is a larger picture, a greater more expansive idea of ourselves, if we are brave enough to jump and i’m jumping in. I am moving from within, from the inside out. It will be my creative force that will bring forth my ideas that will define my path now, not a story generated so long ago that it no longer makes sense in the world of today. Somewhere along the road we stopped listening to ourselves, and we started following, following all those who went before us. We did this in trust, that they knew better and knew where they were going and that it would lead us too, where we believed we needed to be. I’m not so sure that’s how we should be moving now, and I am sure that it’s not those ideas and deep-seated beliefs that I’m going to insist my children learn from and follow. I know that they already know who they are, it is not my job or concern to cloud their views with personal or world fears. Their stories are that of their own and i trust they know what is best for themselves. My children have the freedom to be. I am not insisting that they part take in the situations to which conformity is enforced upon them if it is not what they are wanting, even in their young ages this can be clear. I’m giving them the space to feel their way rather than filling them up. They will be free to choose and lead their own ways. They are my greatest teachers. It is in all their innate determination and unwillingness to conform to the old stories and beliefs that keeps me asking the unorthodox questions that need to be asked now more than ever before. It is them who have come forth and bought me to where i am standing now, who are leading me towards higher grounds, and i am willingly letting them lead the way, all the way.

some more truth, for you dear friend

I have a person, and there was for a short time when i lost hold of her. This time is one of the hardest moments for me to think about now, now that i’m back standing in my truth. Theres a noticeable gap now. A gap in the memories we were creating together. One that, was probably necessary for things to play out the way they did, however now brings me a deep sense of loss. I regret that we missed time. I regret that i gave her up so easily, that i was willing to walk away from her, and the most devoted friendship I’d ever known and in turn my truth. Because to have her beside me would have meant not embarking on the path i was about to take, and for what ever reason, life was going to take me on that course. I know that i was deeply denying myself in this moment in my life, falling into the depths of a story that is still hard for me to make real sense of even now. I understand that she couldn’t have been here for me during this moment, she represented too much for me, she was the all and everything that was real and absolute about who i was and i was playing somebody else, in this moment. So Life in all its graciousness pressed pause on us for a while, until one day when she knew, it was time to once again press play. And in what can only be described as divine timing she returned and she brought with her my truth. She is the one i know i have travelled life times with and will continue travelling with for life times to come. Theres a knowing between us that runs far deeper than anything that could ever be explained here. We love profoundly each other and each others children, we forgive and embrace the highest parts of ourselves always acknowledging that rarely do we have all the answers, knowing how unnecessary it would be anyway. How comforting it is to know that when all else falls away, we are unafraid to let ourselves be seen by each other in all the shades and stories we carry, condemning neither against the other. Our children carry on the bond, walking their paths closely, more like siblings than friends, holding the memories we’ve created close to their hearts, knowing that the foundation has been laid for them to return to whenever the need calls. They know we have them, and they us and thats all that matters. This is the part of my life complete in its everything, nothing more could ever be asked, nothing about it requires change, it is the absolute already, and i am eternally grateful for her and the story.

‘forgive them for they know not what they do’

I’m loving myself enough to say no. No in kindness, no with absolute love, for myself. I’m loving myself enough to know that whatever i am extending to myself in this moment will eventually flow on and through me to effect the whole. I’m not bothered by the resistance for I am sitting strong and sure and in the knowing of my truths certainty. I understand that it’s not personal. They are just reactions to my actions. The resistance will always come, not because what I’m doing is wrong but because there is a deep sense of loss of control from the other, and possibly they are unfamiliar and uncomfortable with this new me. A me that is valuing herself and will acknowledge herself and how she feels before moving on any decision. Moving this way, is intimate, slower, mindful and with purpose. It’s not always going to sit well in this fast paced, get what you want, kind of a world. And there are always going to be times when people just don’t want to hear you say No. Its alright, I’m not taking it personally. I understand that it is impossible for me to continue to please and accommodate everyone, without treating myself with the same deference. Life just doesn’t work that way. We cannot truly share with others what we are essentially denying ourselves. So I’ve taken myself back to the beginning, giving to myself all that i ultimately wish to share with others. I’m not resisting the resistance, but rather allowing their experience to be that of their own, what ever that entails, it’s not my responsibility to own or carry how others choose to react, anymore. My mantra for todays is ‘Forgive them for they know not what they do’ – Luke 23:34 So be it, amen.

Next Truth

They did not feel they could choose what they wanted, independent of circumstances. … it always seems that circumstances are powerful- more powerful than you are. You feel that all you can do is react or respond to them. Even if you have developed great skill in outmaneuvering circumstances, like a lion tamer outmaneuvering the lions, it is still the circumstances- the lions- that hold the ultimate control in how you live you life. -Robert Fritz

This has been the way i have lived life, for most of my life. My first considerable circumstance that defined how i would move was my first child. In trying to choose the best life for her, I married her father and began creating the story. I wish i could say with Truth that it was out of a deep love, for him, but i can’t, it was out of a deep love for her. And i knew this at the time, even at twenty. I stayed quiet, silenced the voice within and did what needed to be done to ready myself for the making of a family. I pretended that it was all that mattered. Believing that there was enough love to make it look as though it was always going to be part of the plan. But it hadn’t been my plan, it caught me by surprise and i reacted. This story played out for seven years in all the usual ways, and for the most part i was content with all the distraction children brought. I was abundant in the circumstances surrounding the way i was moving through life and avoiding my truth. It simply was just too much to allow to rise to the surface in this story. We do that as mothers, leave ourselves behind or worse in the dark to keep the story going. And we usually think we do this well, but it’s never really far away, and life has this divine way of always bringing to you what truths you are needing to see at the time. And when my husband decided to leave one day, i remember i felt terrified and relieved in the same breath. Terrified at the idea of caring for three young children on my own and relieved that he had found the courage to leave, something i would silently be eternally grateful to him for. I’m no longer living this way, allowing the circumstances of my life to define my life. I’m moving from a different part of myself now, the one where the answer isn’t always clear right away but you know it’s there and you know that it will be revealed as its meant to, so your content in the waiting. The strength i learned about myself during this time, has carried me forward. It’s what brought me through the chapters that followed to where I’m standing now. It’s whats giving me the courage to stand strong in my truth, in the midst of this chapter. And with all resistance that comes up against it, I’m thankful to them for they are the continuum of reminders on how i need to be ever so mindful of my Truth.

First Truth

First Truth. I have five children. I’ve had two husbands. My marriages have served me well, not so much in the ways i thought they would but more so in the ways in which life was willing me show me what i needed to see at this time. I’ve made mountains of mistakes, that are mine to own and that I’m eternally grateful for. They are what has brought me closer to the truth of myself. I have held myself back from what i truly deserved more times than I’ve deserved which i am still learning as to why? I’ve found myself allowing things that i wouldn’t wish for my own daughters, i say daughters because its more often than not that they are they ones most likely to find their way into these places with another. I’m tired of pretending that what has played out doesn’t matter, or worse didn’t occur to keep peace, in the story that is playing out now. None of which serves me well. It’s not in my best interests to know secrets that are not mine to own, yet unspokenly held to keep them, so that they can stew around in the darkness causing unconscious turmoil to whomever they are connected to, even in the smallest of ways. Thats not my truth. I have nothing to hide. No errors that I’m ashamed of that cannot be spoken out loud. My mistakes have always been in trusting. Trusting others over the trust of myself. That hasn’t served me well. I’m trusting myself now. I’m trusting the instinctual judgment that comes from within, that wakes me up, says this is how it is even when a story is still playing out that i no longer wish to pretend to be apart of anymore, yet are continuing to do so for the sake of others. This doesn’t serve me. This is no longer the truth of me. Life at some stage needs to get real, I’m not afraid of shattering the illusion. I didn’t come here to sit quietly on the side lines and behave politely. I can no longer play roles and parts that don’t serve me and i won’t apologise for it. Peeling back the layers, requires being real in everything, with everyone. For some, this will be asking too much i understand this, the gap will be too great and ill let them go. And the ones that are meant to stay, of course will stay. It asks for us to unravel and be seen in all the shades even the ones we are most afraid of bringing to the light. But this is where i am. I have spent enough time playing in life, creating pictures to fill gaps and please all but myself. Its time for me to step into a deeper idea of who i am in this life. I’m awake now and it’s already begun.

…’to my daughter, should any fool mishandle the wild geography of your body…. -Dominique Christina

thoughts for mothers

Children are savants when it comes to feeling where we are as mothers. Not just on any particular day, but on the whole on where we are standing within ourselves in our lives. When i look back now, it is clear that the times i was a little lost within who i was or where i was standing, were also the times when my children also struggled within themselves the most. These times on the surface would have seemed to the outsider to be no different, children were well taken care of, there was always love, nourishment, warmth and routine, our faces friendly and smiling. I knew well how to play happy. On the inside though, i was always wondering if i was truly standing where i was supposed to be. I was unsettled, feeling lost in my created world, like something other was always calling me forward. There was a search going on inside, i never really understood or even realised this at the time. Life was not allowing me to really settle anywhere that was not serving my highest self, not even for the sake of the children. The uneasy, unsettledness that was a continuous flow for quite some time within me, was i am certain now, mirrored back through my children in their movements and sense of being. I realise like a ballad, they are fine-tuned to our frequency, and that the music we are playing at any given time is going to be reflected in our children movements no matter how young they are. At times, i have been naive to think that they would be oblivious to the rhythms i was flowing to. That as so long as they were bathed, well fed and taken care of on the outside, that all the rest of what i was feeling would not be effecting them. I was so very wrong. I have come to a place of understanding now of how much it matters. That as mothers we don’t deny ourselves our lives or our truths. The ways in which we strive for ourselves and our worth are the ways in which we teach our children to strive for themselves, to strive for their own worth. My young children are still flowing to my rhythms, my older ones are recognising their own and transitioning from mine towards that of their own. Right now i am living truthfully, not just on a surface level but deeply within the layers of my being. Perhaps my inability to settle for anything that isn’t a true reflection of who i am or my simple unwillingness to sacrifice myself wholly, is what has now brought me to this place of divine contentment. I know that i have arrived within a place of my own being where i will never again ask permission from anyone to be who i instinctively am. I am flowing to a rhythm of truth, following towards my own wild heart. This is having a beautiful ripple-stone effect on the children’s sense of being. They too are content, happy within themselves and for now, riding on the frequency of my authentically living.

The children rise slowly now, and only begin when they are ready here. There is no where we need to be anymore, most of the time preferring to not venture out at all. Days fill quickly with imaginary play, day dreaming and exploring our new sanctum. The peace is animate. We are all breathing freely now, not answerable to anything or anyone, except ourselves. I imagine in a perfect world its the way it should always be, and we are all the more the happier for it. I am watching the children unfold in their own uniqueness, in a space without life’s constrictions, its allowing them to be all of who they perfectly are. As i move closer towards what is true for myself, the more settled they are becoming within the truth of themselves. I have withdrawn on purpose, with purpose. Choosing to let go rather than fill unnecessarily our lives and time with things that don’t matter. I am growing stronger, quieter, surer and feeling my way through what i am wanting to remain, quickly giving myself permission to let go of what no longer needs to, without apologising. I’m seeking within, moving in the direction of having, doing and needing less and the more i enter this space, the clearer things are becoming, with a sense absolute. This is my life, the story i am creating on the pages are mine to own and live by, and all that’s really seeming to matter now is that i stay faithful to myself. I understand that my truth will not always be what serves the truth of others and only with love, can i say, that I am alright with things being that way. It is within the certainty of this space, I have let go of any need to please or pretend or play any roles anymore. I am moving from a different place now, and everything in life seems to be aligning itself along side it, including the children. So much of life seems to be directed for us, set on a path whether we are willing to follow it or not. I realise it is a courageous path to take choosing to follow your own wild heart, and in doing so be fearless with your choices, and i know it’s not for everyone, but it is where i want to be, that is something i know for sure.

circling up

it circles around again for her now, this time with a simple intention. She has decided with extraordinary conviction she is worth fighting for, and she will fight hard. She knows from where she is standing that this story is complete now. She understands deeply that she has been the creator of her world all along, that the only one who has ever really let her down here, is herself. She knows with great certainty that from where she stands now, that she has been through enough of the not wanting that she is clearly ready now to decide how things will look for her from here. She understands that the beginning of this new story is hers to create, and hers alone. The difference is, she is unconcerned with the details, or how the things she is wanting now, will come about. She knows that all she need do is decide, and keep herself open to the faithful truth of her instinctual knowing that it will happen. Most importantly she knows now to nurture her own worth, and she won’t ever again need to settle, for anything less than. She has spent enough time there now, from here, she walks only towards her wanting. Now, when she looks, she looks not at how the world around her can bestow upon her, the dreams she envisions, instead she understands that the real magic can only ever really begin and come from within. It is here in the stillness, when she quietens herself down long enough to hear her own voice and feel her way towards what she is asking for now, that the magic happens. The rest is only details.

Today, I am learning to graciously open my hands and accept what falls before me. I am trying on receiving for a while. this is a new place, a foreign way of being for me. i am having to draw on great courage and humble myself in what is required in order to keep moving forward. it has compelled me to look more closely, at underlying truths i have held for myself and my very worth. Why the very task of an offering is so tremendously difficult for me to embrace i am yet to really understand. Why i have put others, known and unknown above and before my own needs for my entire life also is yet to be clear,but now; now life has deemed it is necessary to be on the receiving end for a while. I graciously will allow others to embrace the act of giving, for i understand without one there simply is no other. If I’m not able to receive well when i most need it, then i am denying someone else the opportunity to give and if i was to be denied every time i felt compelled to give in some way of myself to someone who needed something, i would most definitely be devastated by the declination. I have no doubt that as life keeps circling, the time will come once again when i will be able to give back what has come forth for me. For now though, from the depths of my heart i say thank you world, from myself and my children.

begin again.

im reading Something More at the moment, a book that has travelled many years beside me, it was at one time in my life well read and again now. As im reading im finding the stories are familiar, and i say with immense heartache are just as familiar once again. Sarah writes, ‘if it’s true that sometimes we marry for the wrong reasons, we convince ourselves to stay for even worse ones. We stay to be kind. We stay for the kids. We stay because we think we can’t afford to leave and wont calculate the psychic cost of remaining. We stay because we put loyalty to others above loyalty to our own truth. We stay because we are genuinely good and decent people. Good people do not walk out on marriages that are congenial enough to get through a dinner party, school conferences, a childs learning disability, a father-in-laws stroke, family holiday gatherings…’ Some women can do this and they seem to do it well, on the outside. They go about their lives, allowing themselves to slip away and they settle, settle for what they have, for what ever nourishment is offered if any is offered at all, they talk themselves into the belief that what they have is enough, that they can make do, they are even grateful, it might not be the complete story, but its a story and its good enough.. I’m not one of them. I have always wanted my children to live in their truth, what ever that entails, even if they are to find themselves lost in their lives over and over again, even if my children have children, be brave and follow your truth. They were my words and up until now, had only been for them. Until now, they have mattered more. All the ones i love have mattered more. I love well, somewhere and sometime ago, i stopped loving well the one who i needed the most, i stopped mattering to myself. Now, im listening to the honest words iv’e always held out for my children and offering them up for my own taking. I’m moving into my truth. i know it will come with resistance from others, even ones i love, that is alright. i understand that they don’t recognise me this way. It will take time to adjust, for understanding that now i am as important as they are, that now i may not always abide by the rules they have set for me. And some wont come around at all, it simply will no longer fit, maybe it will be too confronting for them, of their own stories, but that too cannot concern me now. i can let go with love the ones who are not meant to stay. What matters most now, in this moment is that I matter.

the literature of women’s lives is a tradition of escapees, women who have lived to tell the tale.. They resist captivity. They get up and go. They seek better worlds.

-Phyllis Rose

I have been quiet here lately, away, for quite sometime now, I know. There has really been nothing that has been ready to say. No truth that needed to be revealed, not until now, anyway. I’m in the in-between. Moving slowly and allowing myself to build in strength. I have let go of all that my story entailed and will leave the pages blank for a while. There are deep hard questions that I need to ask myself now. Ponderings that only arise when all the children are asleep, when the house is still and there’s nowhere to hide, from myself. What was it I believed about myself that would allow another to come in and ever so slowly and carefully dismantle me, my worth? What belief is it I must hold that would say, you are undeserving beside the ones you love, the ones you care for and give your life to? Where did the deep value and love for myself go? I didn’t notice it leave. For so long I didn’t fight for myself. I allowed whatever expectations I had about what I deserved, to slowly fall to such a place that I began to believe and hold on to what was happening as if it was my truth, a devastating portrayal of myself. I would catch myself sending silent whispers off into the world, wondering if this was to continue to be my story. While travelling in the car with my children and my husband, my own reflection caught me in the car window and in that very inconvenient moment I was hit hard with a deafening sadness, where I had to fight with great strength to hold back the tears that were begging to fall but in such way that I knew if I am to begin now I may never stop crying. I may never be able to escape the depths of this grief, grief for the loss of myself. This is the moment it became so very clear to me, if I stay in this, I simply would not survive.